Tuesday, August 3, 2004

Tip Your Bishop, And Try The Crackers!

Administrative Filler: Make every effort to catch a rerun, find a tape, or otherwise see the August 2 edition of The Daily Show. Jon Stewart's interview with Texas congressman Henry Bonilla is an absolute fucking primer on what's wrong with mainstream journalism today. After watching Stewart nail Bonilla to the wall with his own GOP talking points, you'll be left asking yourself, as I did, why it takes a FAKE ANCHORMAN to accomplish what the rest of the press corps seems to be dropping the ball on.
Some days, it all becomes worthwhile. All the toil, all the research, all the reading about evolutionary backwaters like Dayton, Tennessee... all of that work and effort and promotion comes to fruition when I get to type a single sentence of pure, unmitigated joy that will be read by dozens, nay DOZENS of faithful readers.
You know who's kind of a dumbass? The Pope.
Oh, I know. Technically, it's the legions of Cardinals who are running things right now between stints on Papal Drool Napkin duty, but still, ultimately, the Pope is the authority from whom the opinions of the Catholic Church are expressed, and, by logical inference, the Pope is kind of a dumbass.
It seems that in these troubled times, the Catholic Church has decided to tackle the issue that's been troubling the minds of the world of late - feminism. Yes, those feminists, with their demands for equality, are eroding the fundamental differences between women and men, and as a result, opening the doors to widespread acceptance of homosexuality, sexual polymorphism, and cooties.
Feminism apparently has "lethal effects", and, worse, tries to "avoid the dominance of one sex over the other". Although most news stories about the pamphlet in question contain limited quotations and sentence fragments, through my incredible Googletalents, I was able to find a more detailed excerpt from the pamphlet, written by Cardinal John Ratzinger, famous for playing Cliff Clavin on "Cheers".

It is the considered opinion of the Catholic Church that, as so ably noted by the sage Sinbad, star of Hollywood's "First Kid", which provided family-friendly entertainment to thousands across the globe, that women be different from men. Trying to undermine this fundamental difference is leading to the downfall of society.
For example, women, please explain this unto me. I, as must we all, do on occasion need to perform various ablutions before the Lord, occasionally in public facilities. Yet I do so alone, whilst you and your companions must rise up in unison and partake of your ablutions in pairs, as if you were boarding the famed Ark of Noah. What, pray tell, is up with that?
And indeed, though they may claim equality in all ways and all forms, we of the Church know that is not the case, and as a result, recommend to the dioceses... dioces... diocesen... you'd think I'd know the plural to that, being a Cardinal and all... anyway... no, ma'am, YOU suck. I don't come down to where you work and slap the altar boy out of YOUR mouth, do I? Anyway, we heartily recommend that under no circumstances do you give women the remote control device. My male brethren in the Catholic faith, are you with me on this one?
Acceptance of feminist beliefs lead inexorably to acceptance of the deviant homosexual lifestyle. I mean, have you SEEN unto these "feminists"? Not a one of them are pleasing to the eye. It is obvious to me that many of them are deviant homosexuals living a life of sin and degradation. For example, the one I met at the club last weekend that wouldst not dance unto me? Total lezbo.

Unfortunately, the audience went with His Excellency, Cardinal Carrot Top, who absolutely KILLED with 20 minutes of pure improv just using the Pope's hat as a prop. Cardinal Ratzinger was forced to leave the Vatican, and will not be the Last Cardinal Standing.