Monday, August 30, 2004

Cranium... Or Lawn Sprinkler?

he Olympics are over, and I have to say, I'm relieved.
I don't really mind the Olympics per se, it's just that there are certain things you can't escape while they're around. Rampant jingoism. An emphasis on winning at any cost. Tales of struggle and hardship manipulated by cold, uncaring speakers in order to win over your support. Steroid abuse. The corrupting influence of money. And the general jock locker-room "we're number one" atmosphere.
Yep, luckily, we can put all that behind us as we head into the Republican... National... Convention... fuck.
Luckily, I have prepared for this eventuality, and had my science friends whip me up a handy Aneurysmometer.
It monitors my stress level, my blood pressure, and the strength of my arterial walls, and converts all those readings to an easy-to-understand modified Richter scale. As you can see, my normal, early-morning level of hate and rage puts me at about a 3.1, which for me is just that background dish-rattling tremor that, being used to it, I pay no mind to. As the convention progresses, however, certain events will increase the Aneurysmometer, and if I'm not well into the red "spurty zone" by Friday, we'll all be a bit surprised.
The meter will, in all likelihood, go up whenever:
  • A commentator or anchorman refers to John McCain as a "maverick", a "moderate", or "independent".I've already filled space with one picture today, so you won't get one of any number of pictures of McCain dry-humping Dubya on the campaign trail, but I think we all know how I feel about the one member of the Keating Five who still has a career.
  • Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger flashes that shit-eating grin of his. By fuck, that's irritating. Because you know what that smile says? When Arnie smiles like that, and you look it up in the Smile - English dictionary, the entry reads "I'm a rich, cigar-chomping Neanderthal whose gender politics alternate between 1952 and 1971. And I'm the MODERATE." Also, please allow for a slight uptick in the meter anytime some wag uses the term "Governator". We all are aware that Arnold portrayed a killer robot from the future in three films, a theme park ride, and innumerable shitty videogames. We do not need to be reminded by a nickname even Jay Leno finds a bit stale.
  • Every single time Republican metaphorical schlong uses the gaping hole at Ground Zero as its own personal ten-dollar whore. With New York as the venue, and Giuliana stepping up to the podium tonight, and hey, look at that calendar, it's obscenely obvious to everyone that the unofficial theme of RNC this year is "Re-Elect This Fucking Chimp Or You're Gonna Lose A Few More Skyscrapers".
  • Every single, interminable second I'm reminded of Zell Miller's existence. Self-explanatory, I'd assume.
But don't worry, there are a few things that could happen during the RNC that will cause the meter to drop, possibly sparing my carpets from an expensive cleaning bill.
  • Every time Dubya fucks up during his acceptance speech. Sure, it's probably pre-recorded, edited, and synced up to an animatronic control chip in his jaw, but that hasn't stopped him from flubbing his lines in the past.
  • Every single time one of the cable news channels puts a Democratic rapid-response representative on-air right after a Republican speaks. You know, just like they did during the entirety of the DNC coverage. They've got to treat both sides equally, right? Right?
Who am I kidding. I should get Rug Doctor on speed-dial.