Friday, August 13, 2004

A Treatise On The Nature Of Inevitability

Some things are inevitable.
Even before I started chronicling the annals of stupidity on this very site, I knew that. The sun rises, the sun sets. People age, people die. The tides rise and fall. And certain sets of stimuli will always prompt the same fucking response when applied to enough stupid people.
It's been colder than usual for the past week here in Minneapolis. Weather in the 60's. In August. It's a bit outside the norm, yeah. Doesn't bother me, of course, because, well, I fucking understand thermodynamics. It's a hell of a lot easier to generate needed heat than to pump away the excess, so if I've got a choice between sixty degrees and putting on a jacket, or 95 degrees and cranking a half-assed wall air conditioner, well, you can guess what I'll pick every time.
Except for the thing. The thing that they always say when it's cold. The inevitable thing. You dread it. You fear it. You almost want it to happen just so it'll be over with. But you always hold out hope that if you just keep to yourself, try not to pay attention to conversations on the bus, or in your office, that this time, you'll make it through. This time, you won't hear it.
And then some fuckwad the third in Chaska thinks he's so incredibly fucking clever for coming up with it that he sends it to the newspaper. And the newspaper editor, in an inexcusable deriliction of duty, runs it in the letters section. What is that editor thinking? None of us will ever know, but I hope and pray that he was huffing paint thinner beforehand, because impairment, while not an EXCUSE, mind, would at least provide a valid explanation for why it saw print.
So, to that nameless newspaper editor, and more importantly, to Robert R. Fafinsky III of Chaska, MN, I hereby bestow a hearty You Are Dumb Dot Net "Fuck You, And Your Mama Too" award for being the first person during this cold snap to make the goddamn global warming "joke" in my presence.
Since you all know what I'm talking about, I reproduce his version of it merely for cataloging and in-depth classification purposes. This is an allowed scientific use of ACTUAL QUOTE TIME, as authorized under subsection 2-C.
"It is the middle of August, and I am shaking out of fear of global warming. Wait a minute, I am actually just shivering due to the recent record low temperatures in the region." Har de har har. It is, as they say, JUST LIKE COMEDY. Note the way he led us down one path, and then, partway through, switched it up! You thought, O foolish reader, that you would be reading a liberal environmentalist screed the likes of which the local newspaper often prints in its pages, but I, Robert R. Fafinsky THE THIRD, have pulled the wool over your eyes with my jape!
After all, if's called Global WARMING, not Global Making It Cooler Than Usual During August, right! You utter dipshit. I mean, it's bad enough that you have to flaunt your complete misunderstanding of climate change and the whole issue, but that's nothing compared to the disservice you've shown to Sweet Mother Comedy. Comedy is not some fifty cent whore you can use, quickly, embarrassingly, and inadequately, and then toss aside when you're done with it. But that's just what your weak-ass joke has done. You've shamed Comedy. You owe Comedy a formal apology. If Comedy had a glove, it'd slap you across the face with it and challenge you to punchlines at dawn. And you'd lose, because, and I'm not sure if you've figured this out yet, but you're not fucking funny.
Let this be a lesson to you all. The next time you think, even briefly, about making any variation on the Global Warming joke thanks to some local climatic event, think of Robert R. Fafinski THE THIRD. Learn from his mistake. Halt your tongue, or, failing that, at least have the common decency to put a bit of an ironic, "I know what I'm saying is a shitty joke" lilt into it. Treat Comedy with due respect, and she will pay your blessings back tenfold.
Take it from one who knows.