Thursday, August 19, 2004

Cirque De So Lame

Q: What's the difference between the Republican National Convention and a circus?
A: At the RNC, the big red noses on all the clowns are real.
Oh, and there will probably be considerably fewer unicycles and clown cars. Unicycles, of course, are an alternative form of transportation that doesn't rely on foreign oil, and clown cars... well, when was the last time you saw a Republican car-pool? But in every other sense, the RNC is shaping up to be a big, messy circus. And not some fruity French circus, either. We know how the Republicans hate the French.
THE PROTESTS: The left will be marching on New York in droves, because that's what the Left does. It marches on stuff. The Right, not so much, because the Right knows that one man with a million dollars can effect more change than a million men with one dollar. Plus, the million dollars don't get grumpy when they're locked in a small cage in blatant violation of the Constitution.
The NYC authorities are taking an interesting, unique approach to the protests, offering tourism discounts to protestors on restaurants, hotels, and local attractions. Need to sooth the painful sting of pepper spray and tear gas? Did the jackboots and truncheons leave unsightly marks and swelling on your skin? Well, fear not, you commie anarchist hippie, here's five percent off a trip to a day-spa! Nothing soothes a passle of violated rights like a couple of cucumber slices, a mud bath, and some aromatherapy.
And in and amongst the leftie protestors, there will, of course, be the Republican "Protest Warriors", who we've dealt withpreviously. You know, I can't help but imagine a brick crashing through the window of a Starbucks, a riot cop in full armor turning around, and a Protest Warrior in a suit pointing at a black-clad college student in a Rage Against The Machine t-shirt with one hand while surreptitiously brushing dust off his throwin' hand. I'm not saying this is their plan, or their tactic. I'm just saying it's the first image that popped into my head.
When the Democrats needed a keynote speaker, they selected Barack Obama, a (relatively) young, black, passionate, liberal Democratic candiate for the Senate. Taking their cue from the Democrats, the Republicans have selected for their keynote address an old, racist, redneck, reactionary Democratic retiring senator. Well, one out of six ain't bad.
Yes, it's YAD's favorite senatorial target, Zell Pigfucking Miller. In the role of Surrogate Asshole for Miller, who has yet to be quoted on his selection, we have Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie, who took precious time away from his own assholery duties to fill in for Miller this morning.
"Senator Miller's support is indicative of the broad support the Republican Party has earned under President Bush's compassionate conservative leadership as Americans reject the 'out of the mainstream' direction of John Kerry's Democratic Party." - Ed Gillespie
Ed Gillespie's statement is indicative of the broad harm that Botox has had on democracy. Bear with me. Thanks to the neuroparalysis effects of the botulism toxin, someone like Ed Gillespie can sit there and suggest that an unrepentant, racist, Dixiecrat, torture-apologist who only clings to his party affiliation out of tradition is a symbol of Dubya's bipartisan mainstream support, and can do so with a STRAIGHT FACE. In the days before Botox, Gillespie would be smirking by "broad", chortling by "earned", barely able to even pronounce "conservative" amidst the gales of laughter that would have followed "compassionate", and would have actually pissed himself at "mainstream".
The only way Zell Miller couldn't be "mainstream" is with either a time machine or a brain implant. You know it. I know it. Zell Miller would know it if he'd take his dick out of a pig long enough to give it some thought. Ed Gillespie certainly knows it. And every single news anchor who reports on this story and runs Gillespie's quote unchallenged knows it too. But thanks to the wonders of Botox, none of them will ever let it show.
EDITOR'S NOTE: A search party has been formed, and is currently searching nearby ditches and creeks in the hopes of finding the Circus Metaphor alive. However, authorities caution that once a metaphor has been gone for more than eight paragraphs, if it turns up at all, it will likely be as a bloated corpse floating face-down on a lake. We at You Are Dumb Dot Net will stay on top of this story as it develops.