One Shy Of The Eggroll Requirement

Memo to liberals: YOU'RE DUMB, TOO.

I've been sitting on this for a while, letting it percolate over the last month, but I think it's time to unveil the Top Five Dumb Liberal Fallacies. The five things many liberals believe that lost the 2000 election, lost the 2004 election, and will lose the 2006 and 2008 elections if we don't learn from our fucking mistakes.

FALLACY THE FIRST: There are more of us than there are of them.

You hear this one in a number of forms. This year, it was called Get Out The Vote. The idea was that pretty much all of Them were voting, and all of Us usually don't bother, so if all of Us vote, we'll win! Unfortunately, as it turned out, a whole bunch of them weren't voting either, and they were a lot easier to scare and prod and goad into voting. This fallacy is the root of the Cell Phone Hope and the Youth Vote Hope, and we know where that shit got us, don't we?

It also shows up in the belief that people, even Republican voters, are actually liberals if you sit down with them and ask them about individual issues. There are citable studies to back this one up and everything. But even if it's true, it doesn't really matter, because they're still voting REPUBLICAN. This ties directly into Fallacy The Second.

FALLACY THE SECOND: Elections are decided on the issues.

Please. The left should be prohibited by law from using the word "issues" in any non-periodical sense during an election year. And the year before. And the year after. People don't vote based on the issues. Even the people who say they vote based on the issues are lying to themselves and you. The people that actually do vote based on the issues will take care of themselves, because they'll look stuff up and figure out where they stand and they don't need you to tell them what the issues are. Everyone else is swayed by base emotions, personality, celebrity, tradition, religion, and whim.

Stop wishing for a "substantive discussion of the issues". It'll never happen, it can't happen, and nobody will show it if it did because nobody will watch it if they did. The "issues" are what you do AFTER you get elected.And even those don't matter if you can lie convincingly about what you did or didn't do.

FALLACY THE THIRD: People voting Republican are ignorant.

This is the tricky one. Because a lot of people voting Republican ARE ignorant. So are a lot of people in general. This is why elections aren't decided on the issues. The fallacy lies in the missionary fervor by which the left feels they can EDUCATE the ignorant into voting their way. Michael Moore said "Fifty-one percent of the American people lacked information (in this election) and we want to educate and enlighten them." Noble. Quixotic. IMFUCKINGPOSSIBLE. Or at least too much work for four years.

Educating people is difficult, time-consuming, and frequently futile. We shouldn't be concentrating on enlightening the ignorant. We just need to find a way to get them to pull the other fucking LEVER with a minimum of muss and fuss. We thought in 2004 that if people could just learn the truth, that Bush would be out on his ass. Bush is not out on his ass, and if people couldn't learn the truth about the CHIMP, they're not going to learn the truth about anybody. New approach, people. One that works.

FALLACY THE FOURTH: "The future of America is blue."

I've heard this shit bandied around as part of the left's desperate, post-election grasping at straws. Looking at the exit polls and the demographics and noticing that the young people vote Blue and the old people vote Red and conclude that if we just wait, eventually, all the blue young people will be blue old people and all the red old people will be dead. I have one question for these people: WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING HIPPIES? We should be choking on 35 years of accumulated patchouli and love beads by now, and we're not.

People get more conservative as they age. They have more to lose, more to protect, more to be scared of. Just ask Dennis Miller, assuming you can find a way to do that without listening to his answer. That's why the numbers are skewed. These people are blue now, but there's no guarantee they'll be blue by the time everyone terrified of gay marriage dies off. If that's what the left is relying on, we're more hosed than we look, and that's already so hosed you'd need a dozen of those mail-order motorized hosed organizers just to keep track of how hosed we are.

FALLACY THE FIFTH: There is a "middle" to appeal to.

Clinton grabbed a big chunk of the middle. Bush grabbed a big chunk of it back. The middle is gone Let it go. Karl Rove did. Everyone said he was fucked in the head, abandoning the middle to make sure his crazy assholes all voted, but it turns out he was fucked in the head like a FOX.

Kerry and Edwards appeased NOBODY by their half-assed stance on gay marriage, because there was no middle still susceptible to Clintonian half-assing on controversial issues. All they did was convince US they'd turn on Team Selfish Hedonism the instant it became convenient, and convinced THEM they'd turn on Team Missionary Position One Sunday A Month the instant it became convenient.

There are more, of course. But these are the big five for '06 and especially '08. Learn, change, or perish, people.

Blame Is The Cure, Cure Anything

Memo to the Left: PICK A SCAPEGOAT, ALREADY.

I never thought I'd say this, but man, I sure miss Ralph Nader. I remember those bygone days when everything was Nader's fault. Wasn't that great? For nearly four years, Democrats were focused like a laser, and it paid off. Nader got 2.9 million votes in 2000, and only 400,000 in 2004. Why, that's two and a half million votes! If we hadn't spent four years blaming Nader, and yelling at Nader voters, and trying to make sure Nader voters understood that voting for Nader ruins everything, we'd have lost by SIX MILLION instead of three and a half.

The Race for Blame for 2004 seems to be settling down to a horserace - the two frontrunners being Hollywood and Team Selfish Hedonism. Both bring a lot to the scapegoat party. They're small, easily-stereotyped groups. They have a polarizing effect on the population. And neither one caused the loss in 2004. So you can see why it'd be tough for Democrats to decide which ones to blame.

For those who've closely following the campaign of Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe, who seemed to be throwing his hat into the blame ring by being completely incompetent and by saying, on November 4, that "This party is stronger than it's ever been," we have an update. McAuliffe is now running a distant 47th, behind "voter fraud conspiracy theories", "sunspots", and Ralph Nader.

Looking at the frontrunners, the Celebrities have won the most important endorsement of the post-election blame campaign - the Republican Party. A close examination of the roughly 3% of Republican talking points that don't include the word "mandate" reveals that the country wasn't really voting FOR George Bush last week, they were voting AGAINST Susan Sarandon.

The right's pushing this one hard, hoping that they can get the left to turn on Sarandon, and Tim Robbins, and Michael Moore. Especially Michael Moore. To hear them tell it, this election proved that Michael Moore is completely irrelevant and wrong and meaningless and a big fatty, and so it's vitally important that nobody in America ever listen to him again. Thankfully, an intelligent and well-informed electorate will see through such petty tricks, and the instant anybody finds one, please notify the authorities so that they can be dealt with.

The biggest problem, for me, with scapegoating Hollywood is that Drew Barrymore would get away scot free. I didn't actively make fun of Drew Barrymore before the election, but man, did I want to. She was doing the talk show circuit because she'd taken a year to learn about politics and make a documentary on learning about politics. And she was so very eager and so very motivated that it was tough to smack her down just because she was also really stupid. She was like a puppy who'd mistaken your scrotum for his favorite squeaky chew-toy. It hurt like hell to put up with her, but you had to begrudgingly respect her enthusiasm in trying to make a difference with the youth of America. But now, we know that it didn't fucking work, so it's open season. But she's not one of the Elite Hollywood Liberals. If you'd like to know who is, just check with your nearest Republican, and they'll be all too willing to hand you a glossy flyer listing them.

I wish I could pin the gay backlash on the Republicans, but this one, sadly, is all ours. The logic seems to be that by fighting for their civil rights, those pesky minorities galvanized the opposition and brought the homophobes to the polls in droves. Of course they were asking for it, Your Honor. Look at the way they were dressed!

Let's all blame Gavin Newsom for marrying gays in San Francisco. After all, given the Kerry/Edwards ticket's unwavering support for gay marriage, this election was obviously a national referendum between the guy that thought gay marriage should be banned in the federal constitution, and the guy who thought gay marriage should be banned in the state constitutions. For fuck's sake, those of us who are strongly for gay marriage had no candidate we could get behind, because Kerry and Edwards kept saying "between a man and a woman" every time a camera was pointed at them.

And second, if the Democratic Party has become so ethically bankrupt that they're willing to ask minority groups to stop fighting for their rights because it's politically inconvenient, then all the scapegoating in the world won't do any good, and we're wasting our time looking for one. And I'd hate to see the Democratic Party start wasting its time on counterproductive activities.

My Contribution To The New Unity

Memo to Bush Supporters: I'M HERE TO HELP.

It's blatantly obvious that many of you had no idea what the fuck you were voting for. The sign next to Bush during his victory speech says it all, really. "W 2004". And the date is really just a formality. YOU VOTED FOR A LETTER.

That's how big an isolationist Bush is. His middle initial didn't even bother to get the rest of his NAME on board before it went ahead. That was his campaign slogan. "W". Kerry's campaign slogan, "Safer At Home, Respected In The World" had thirty-two times as many letters, which I think is indicative of why things went down the way they did. Words are hard to listen to and read. People are simply more comfortable with the one letter.

Anyway, since his election, Bush has already started saying some things that you may not completely understand. Worse, you might even make the mistake of thinking you understand them when you don't. That's OK. We at You Are Dumb love to help, and help we will.

In his victory speech, when Bush said, "There is an old saying: Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks," what he meant was "I'm in WAY over my head, and if it weren't for my irrational, borderline-psychotic belief that Magic Beardy Man is spending all his time helping me, I don't know how I'd make it through the day."

This one's kind of a laundry list, so try to keep up. "We will continue our economic progress. We'll reform our outdated tax code. We'll strengthen the Social Security for the next generation. We'll make public schools all they can be. And we will uphold our deepest values of family and faith." That translates to, respectively, "Don't expect us to do better than we did on the money thing", "FLAT TAX, SUCKERS!", "PRIVATIZED, SUCKERS!", "That one we shot up in New Jersey? Just a taste of the new No Child Left Behind sanctions", and "Put a stop to all that ass-fucking once and for all. Maybe with some kind of camp... wait, they like camp."

And when he said "So today I want to speak to every person who voted for my opponent. To make this nation stronger and better, I will need your support and I will work to earn it."

, well, he wasn't speaking to you, was he. So there's no need to point out that he was telling the rest of us to get in line or else.

And in today's prime-time press conference, when he said, "We will preserve -- we'll persevere until the enemy is defeated.", what he actually meant was, "Nope, still can't get those pesky fucking words straight. W! W! W!"

"Our government also needs the very best intelligence, especially in a time of war." translates to "Fuck you. I got re-elected. I can throw all the straight lines at you I want. I ain't gonna run for this again. Go ahead. Make the joke. I don't care. I'll have the National Guard strafe your school too."

"We need to get rid of the needless paperwork that makes our economy -- that -- that is a drag on our economy to make our -- make sure our economy is the most competitive in the world."- "YOU VOTED FOR AN IDIOT. MERRY CHRISTMAS."

"We must show our leadership by strengthening Social Security for our children and our grandchildren. This is more than a problem to be solved; it is an opportunity to help millions of our fellow citizens find security and independence that comes from owning something, from ownership." - "Hey, remember a couple of weeks ago when we said Kerry was trying to scare you, and we weren't going to privatize Social Security, and you believed us? Man, that was funny."

"As a matter of fact, no president should ever try to impose religion on our society." - "You don't have to be a born-again Christian. You can believe whatever you want. Worship whatever you want. Sure, you'll have to follow all the RULES of the born-agains, but you don't have to believe in them."

I hope this helped. But I know it didn't. You know why I know it didn't? Because the motherfucker was saying all these things, and meaning all these things, for the past four years, and when I explained it to you before, you didn't listen either. But I feel better. And that's all that matters.

Like A Phoenix From The Asses

Blame and recrimination fall like a black rain upon the land, and guess who's got it by the bucketload? You Are Dumb Dot Net. Sure, yesterday was a day for quiet introspection, but that shit gets old fast. Today is a day for triumph. Because with at least 130 MILLION AMERICANS placing themselves firmly in the ranks of the dumb, evil, selfish, lazy, or all of the above, and with a statistial exit poll analysis showing that at least 60% of Kerry's voters ain't that bright either, YAD has the clearest mandate in political history.

There are dumbasses in the red states, and pigfuckers in the blue states. We put flame decals on our SUV's and think we're clever in the blue states*, and we fill our meatloaf with Cheetos in the red states. This isn't a Republican America. It sure as hell isn't a Democratic America. It's one America, one dumb, dumb, dumb America that cries out, with a single united voice. That cry? "DUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR-HEY?!"

That stirring speech aside, can I take this moment to pour gasoline on the concepts of "uniting" and "healing" and "bridging the partisan divide" and light them on fire? You think if Kerry had won Ohio, the right would be bridging the jack or uniting the shit? They would not. Democrats and Republicans have one thing in common - their idea of "bipartisanship" is "doing what the Republicans want to do". Fuck that. You're the opposition party again. OPPOSE.

Which segues nicely into the memo I'm issuing today, the one you knew was coming: to the Democratic National Committee: YOU ARE DUMB.

Let's play a quick game of free association. Think of five entities or constructs that could have run a more effective campaign against Dubya than the DNC. Go! Got 'em? Here's mine:

1. The host and cast of Dungeon Majesty
2. A dead hamster in a roulette wheel with the numbers replaced by talking points
3. Siegfried and Roy, even in Roy's current medical condition
4. An expensive toaster
5. The Reanimated Corpse of Lawrence Welk

All the DNC had to do was find one guy who could appear to be a viable alternative to the guy who's been ruining things for four years. They fielded a group of nine. Kerry, Edwards, Dean, Clark, Lieberman, Kucinich, Moseley-Braun, Sharpton, Gephardt. You can see the outline of the problem taking shape right there. Six legislators, one governor, one general, and an activist. Gephardt just keeps showing up to these things, Sharpton's got more unwanted baggage than the Denver airport, Moseley-Braun is black and a woman**, if Lieberman weren't Jewish, they'd let him run the Christian Coalition, Kucinich is phonetically reminiscent of Dukakis. That leaves Kerry and Edwards, who couldn't get the fucking job done, Dean, and Clark. And here's where the REAL problem crops up.

The DNC is terrified of letting their candidates be themselves. The DNC also, with the notable exception of Clinton, picks candidates who can't act worth a damn. So they get a rep for being "stiff". And they're stiff because they've been told to act, because the public won't accept them as they are, but they're like Matthew Lillard as Hamlet. Dukakis in a tank. Kerry riding a motorcycle on the Tonight Show. Gore tonguing Tipper to seem spontaneous. People notice the faint waft of bullshit from these stunts, and the root of mistrust begins to grow, ready to be exploited by charges of "serial exaggerator" or "flip-flopper" or "soft on crime". I''ve said this before, but have you SEEN Al Gore this year? Kept away from his handlers and being himself, he's a completely different, much more appealing person. Because he's not trying to act. Clinton deserves a fucking OSCAR. Dubya's the Rain Man of political acting. Barack Obama is either a hell of an actor, or they haven't gotten to him yet.

This is why the DNC has got to be gutted and replaced. They need to come to grips with the simple fact that they are not helping. They're in the way. They're focus-grouping and moderate-baiting the Democrats into oblivion. If they're not replaced, you know what's going to happen in four years, right? These fucks are going to panic, try to return to the glory days of the 90's, and put all their weight behind Hillary. Which will lead to the kind of spanking that'll make 2004 look like the Age of Aquarius. Or the Bolshevik Revolution. As long as they're pulling the strings, we're hosed.

* Actual dumbass suburban mom as seen in the Star Tribune in the last few days, who didn't want to be Just Another SUV, so she put those standard flamey decals on the side. I hate her.

**Of course these shouldn't be flaws, but remember where we live, people.

Guess.

If I seem a bit... distracted, possibly a bit disjointed in my thoughts this morning, it's because of the vomitous black bile fountaining from every orifice on my body. I've already filled two wading pools since I woke up this morning, and I'm arranging for a tanker truck to be backed up to my window so I can make it through the workday.

It will take me a long time to comprehensively cover the extensive list of people I hate anew as of this morning. But I can't get to that quite yet, because there are a bunch of people out there who I don't hate. Because there are people out there who feel worse than I do this morning, and these are the people that, despite all evidence to the contrary, gave a fuck. They went out there and they volunteered and they tried their damndest and they gave, and these people, whose only crime was setting aside their cynicism, were betrayed.

They were betrayed by the system, they were betrayed by the candidates, they were betrayed by the media, they were betrayed by the very electorate they set aside their cynicism to attempt to serve. They tried to make a difference, and NOTHING CHANGED.

Spare me your "two states not yet counted", electoral-college, keep hope alive bullshit, please. Even if, by some quirk of fate, John Kerry wrests some kind of provisinal ballot Ohio "miracle", we lost. We lost small, but we lost HARD. Mongiardo lost. Wetterling lost. Daschle lost. Eleven states passed gay-hating, homophobic constitutional amendments by HUGE MARGINS. If our hopes are pinned on a couple hundred thousand provisional ballots in Ohio, we are well and truly fucked.You know what you won't hear a lot of this year? Democrats calling for the reform of the Electoral College system. You know why? Because FOUR MILLION MORE PEOPLE voted for Bush than Kerry. And you can believe whatever you want in your little lefty heart of hearts, but if you think the right was able to suppress four million votes this year, then I've got a war in Iraq to sell you. Cheap.

What I hate most is that over the past couple of days, even I had started to take leave of my fucking senses. I was saying things like "cell-phone" and "youth vote" and "break for the challenger". I knew I was doing it, but I couldn't stop myself. I wanted, desperately, to believe that even the inept, clueless, big-haired New Democrats on the DNC could not manage to fuck up an election that basically boiled down to pointing at the guy running things and shouting "JUST LOOK AT THAT! LOOK! JESUS FUCK LOOK! I MEAN, COME ON!". I wanted to believe, like a good lefty, that the country is basically on our side, they just never step up and show their true numbers. Even though every single second of my experience and knowledge to date has told me otherwise.

This is where we live. This is who we are. The revolution will not be televised, because there is no revolution. And there never will be. We can barely manage to trot fifty feet to deface our neighbor's campaign sign. We can give a senile old baseball players six more years to make the laws we all live under because his opponent might be gay. We turn 10% of the population into second-class citizens because we think they're icky and we think the invisible man in the sky told us to hate them. We fuck over our fellow man because a bald, cranky man told us that dark-skinned dudes in turbans will blow us up.

There's plenty of blame to go around for this debacle, to be sure. But it starts with each voter. It starts with every single one of the 58.2 million people who could not look at the events of the past four years and realize, regardless of their individual political philosophy, that the guy at the top was a corrupt fuckup. Fifty eight million people went out and said YES to corrupt fuckuppery, and even assuming 65% national turnout, that's another sixty five million people who didn't feel strongly enough about corrupt fuckuppery to do something about it. That's one hundred and twenty three million people. That's America.

In fact, on behalf of those one hundred and twenty three million people, I hereby apologize. I apologize to the people who spent all day trying to help folks vote. The election judges, those who challenged the challengers, the people who drove voters around, the people who fed and helped and kept people sane in the long lines, the people who made sure voters knew their rights. I even apologize to the FUCKING IDIOTS who spent the past week standing around on street corners waving signs and getting cars to honk at them instead of doing something useful. I have to apologize to them on behalf o fthe hundred and twenty three million fucktards that make up the majority of this great nation, because not a single one of the fucktards will step up and do so.

And we all know why, don't we.

Nostradamus Said You're An Idiot

Memo to the Superstitious: YOU ARE DUMB.

Do not talk to me about hemlines. Do not talk to me about relative heights. Mention the number of letters in the names and I will desperately attempt to violate the laws of physics by making the atoms of my foot occupy the same space as the atoms of your genitals. Speak to me of elementary school students and I'll defenestrate you one organ at a time.

There is only one reasonably accurate predictor of who will be the next President. It's happening today, and roughly eight times out of ten, what happens in voting booths across the country on Election Day accurately determines who the next President will be. So shove your superstitions up your vote-hole.

See, for one thing, if it weren't for all you superstitious fuckwads who desperately seek causation where there is only occasional correlation, we wouldn't be in this fucking mess to begin with. Superstition is like racism. It's not a fundamentally Republican trait, but Republicans couldn't win jack shit without the backing of the excessively superstitious.

This is because it's easier for the average person to believe in mysterious forces than it is to believe in NUMBERS. There have only been 54 presidential elections. None of the stuff they compare it to has been going that entire time. Five elections. Ten elections. Just that one time four years ago. People, despite what Nader dreams in his secret wet dreams, there are only two options. Of course shit's going to match up with a 50/50 shot every four years. It's like all those assholes who say that celebrities die in threes. Celebrities die in ones by the thousands. Assholes just stop after every third one to shout "EUREKA".

The Washington Redskins, in command of the fate of the Presidency? That hardly seems fair. At least we could, you know, tie the fate of our nation to a team without a racist name. Maybe the St. Louis Cardinals, just to dilute the influence the Catholic Cardinals seem to think they have. Then, if the football team loses, they can be denied communion. "You've just lost the game that decides the presidential election! What now!" "I'm going... to HELL!"

Weekly Reader's polling schoolkids? Weekly Reader needs to go back to its role in this world, pimping Judy Blume and Goosebumps. Children are too busy thinking up darndest things to say to follow politics. Sure, you can slap Bush and Kerry in front of them, and they'll pick whoever they heard on their parents say they liked, or whichever one looks more like a funny monkey, but you better hope it's not predicting shit. 'Cause I guarantee you, the year they put Harry Potter on that poll along with the candidates, all us muggles will be in Gitmo by the day after inauguration.

MASK SALES. Halloween Mask Sales. Accurately predicting every election since 1980! All... six of them. You know who buys those rubber caricature masks? LAZY PEOPLE. Lazy people who OWN A SUIT. And have thirty bucks. And live near a strip mall with a Halloween store. And nobody's buying these masks to make a political statement. People bought Clinton masks so that they can wave cigars at women. People buy Bush masks because they like bananas. People buy Kerry masks because last year, they went as a ZOMBIE and still have the clothes and the Jell-O brain mold.

Futures markets. Stock markets. Bookies. RAND DOGRAPING MCNALLY going through and searching to see which candidate has more places with parts of their NAME IN THEM. "Georgia? One for Bush! Kerryville? Shit, it's tied! Now we have to see which five Supreme Court judges have their names attached to towns!". Asshats.

You may have heard people say things like, "There's no such thing as coincidence." These people are not to be trusted. Because they'll go on to say things like "Everything happens for a reason", and pretty soon, they're sending you porcelain angels when you have a cold. They can't be trusted. Do not let them fix your major appliances or drive you to the doctor. They'll fuck it up, and while you're lying there on the ground with a burst appendix and a dryer lint filter embedded in the base of your skull, they'll tell you that the horoscope that day told Scorpios that the coming weeks would be full of strife and contusions.

How many times does Linda Hamilton have to jam a giant knife into a picnic table before you people get it through your heads? There is no fate but what we make, so get your asses out there, collect your round red sticker, and pray to whatever god or gods you hold dear that some Mary Kiffmeyer, Katherine Harris, President of Diebold, or Supreme Court asshole with a lot more power to make fate than you do doesn't decide to fuck you and your vote over come nightfall.

Vote And Die.

Spastic Topic Monkey Goes To Washington Friday

The Topic Monkey got into the Halloween candy last night, which wouldn't have been so bad, but the Halloween Candy was chocolate-covered espresso beans sprinkled with a fairy-dusting of crystal meth. Gets the little bastards to the next house really fast.

Memo to everyone, what with Halloween actually upon us. DON'T DRESS UP YOUR PETS. They're ANIMALS. They don't know shit about Halloween. They want to be fed, they want to have a place to take a whizz, they want their heads petted, maybe chase something. They don't know what a fairy princess is, or why they look like one, or what that crap is on their head, or why you're laughing.

If you want to make your pet look ridiculous, that's why God made Photoshop.

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And speaking of shitty costumes... "Azzam The American"? AZZAM THE AMERICAN? If you don't know, ABC and FOX have been running an as-yet unauthenticated tape that appears to be the Star Wars Kid from the Internet with a Pizza Hut tablecloth on his head, saying he's an American Al Qaeda operative, that we're all gonna die, and mentioning, among other things, Bill Maher, the Massachussets gay marriage ruling, the 9/11 commission, and the "defiling of our lovely falafel by that O'Reilly infidel". I may have made that last one up.

The CIA, while not authenticating the tape, said it bore "all the hallmarks" of an Al Qaeda production, including "being on videotape", "Arabic letters on the screen", and "guy in a headdress threatening America and saying he was from Al Qaeda". Come on, people. Pretty soon, Azzam The American will be what parents use to scare their kids. "If you're not good, Azzam the American will come to your bedroom and your sheets will run red with blood!"

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And speaking of our favorite falafel fetishist, O'Reilly The Superfreak settled out of court with Andrea Mackris. I'm both pleased and disappointed. Disappointed because, under the terms of the settlement, we'll never get to hear the tapes we all know she had, plus the settlement includes both parties agreeing that "no wrongdoing" took place, so O'Reilly can fall back on that for the rest of his life. But I'm pleased, because the man who said "I'm going to take a stand. I'm a big mouth on the air and I'm a big mouth off the air." a few weeks ago is now saying "I will never speak of it again." Which, when translated into English, means "I did it, she had tapes, I paid her off."

By avoiding a messy court battle, O'Reilly knows that his story will soon be forgotten. He should know, he's on the front lines of determining which stories stick and which ones get forgotten. In the interests of comedy, however, I urge all my readers to mention the whole falafel thing any time Bill O'Reily comes up in conversation from now on. It's the least we can do for a man who's given us so much.

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And speaking of "the least one can do", George W. Bush has now described John Kerry as "the wrong man for the wrong job at the wrong time". It's meant to be a play on Kerry's Iraq war statements, but the more I look at it, the less I'm able to parse it. Is Bush saying the Presidency is the "wrong job"? And how can he say it's the "wrong time"? November is when we have these things, George. Every four years.

It's a triple negative, which means it's still negative, but if you discount the "wrong job" part for making no fucking sense, then it's a DOUBLE negative, which makes it a positive, but then you have to discount the "wrong time" part for not making a lot of fucking sense, and then it's a single negative, but then you have to discount Bush entirely for being El Fucktardo Primero, so you're back to square one. The grammar of the politics of the rhetoric of politics can be oh so very confusing.

It's Not Bad, It's Worse

National politics got you down? Then whatever you do, for fuck's sake, do NOT look at the local races. Becuase THEY ARE DUMB.

I have never in my life wished for another man to fuck a pig and get caught more than I do right now. Except that if he did, if there was some Austin Gullette protege out there, he wouldn't make the news unless he was running for Congress. And even then, they'd get confused over the term "pork-barrel". The news is 80% politics, 20% Iraq, with a 15 percent overlap of Iraq/Politics. If Ashlee Simpson had appeared on SNL three weeks from now, her story wouldn't have petered out in less than a week. Thank goodness for small favors.

Anyway, they say that all politics are local. And I say that all politics are fucking stupid. By applying the Fucking Stupid Commutative Principle, then, we find that all local politics are fucking stupid. But now we need evidence to back up our theory. Can we discover any? Let's find out together.

ILLINOIS: You've heard of Illinois. That's where Barack Obama is giving Alan Keyes the kind of man-spanking Keyes professes to hate, but secretly loves. Only it's in the polls. But you may be surprised to know that there are other politicians in Illinois, some of them potentially almost as dumb as Keyes.

Jerry Weller, a Republican congressman from Illinois, is being challenged by Tari Renner, head of the poli-sci department at Illinois Wesleyan U. Weller, like some high school jock filled with roid rage, apparently feels the need to refer to his opponent as "the professor" at every opportunity, although there is no evidence as yet that Weller's campaign literature features crudely-drawn caricatures of Renner in a cap, gown, and big glasses. Weller, who is engaged to marry the daughter of a genocidal Guatemalan ex-dictator after the election, also is telling people that because some fringe anti-drug-war website "endorsed" Renner, that Renner is PRO-HEROIN. That entire preceding sentence is 100% true, especially the part about the dictator's daughter. I know. Even as I typed it, I thought to myself, "Damn, I'm making up some funny shit... wait, this is the TRUE part!"

KENTUCKY: Still, that's nothing compared to Kentucky, where Senator Jim Bunning is suddenly fighting for his career after going what many independent observers are calling COMPLETELY FUCKING NUTSO. He accused Democrats of beating his wife. He repeatedly changed the rules of his one debate with his opponent Daniel Mongiardo, performing his half of the debate on video from Washington, D.C., in an RNC studio, with no independent observers present. And he STILL got caught breaking the rules by using a teleprompter.

Faced with trouble, Bunning's camp did what any self-respecting Kentucky Republican would do. Called his opponent a queer little faggot who likes to fuck other men in the ass. Not in so many words, of course. This is Kentucky 2004, not Kentucky 1992! They've moved out of the Dark Ages, people. No, instead, David Williams, president of the state senate, made the point with subtlety and class. It's ACTUAL HOMOPHOBE-BAITING QUOTE TIME!

"What a shame it would be if we traded the strong left hand of Jim Bunning -- the punch that he has -- for the limp wrist of Mongiardo. [Bunning is] fully capable of still throwing that hard pitch from the mound. And his opponent is a switch-hitter who doesn't know if he's on the left or the right."

See? It's a baseball metaphor! 'Cause Bunning used to play major-league baseball, which is 100% straight and American. Williams, of course, denied that his statement was meant in a sexual way, and to give him the benefit of the doubt, allow me to list all the various connotations and meanings the term "limp wrist" has that do not apply to homosexual slurs.

There, I'm done.

MINNESOTA: And how much more local can you get than my own back yard? In our own Sixth District, just a ways north of me, Republican Mark Kennedy is staving off a challenge from Patty Wetterling, who rose to prominence after her son was abducted in 1989. Kennedy, who is apparently a bit of a complete asshole, started running ads that accused Wetterling of having "latched on to radical extremist groups".

My heavens! Did she visit a Hezbollah training camp? Join PETA? Was she, in fact, an Al Qaeda deep-cover mole, and her so-called "abducted son" was actually a DIRTY BOMB? No. "Latched on to radical extremist groups", translated from Asshole Politician into English, comes out as "Received support and money from MOVEON.ORG". Folks, if MoveOn is a radical extremist group, then Habitat for Humanity is the Symbionese Liberation Army.

So, over the next five days, as you look at the presidential election and despair at the state of politics, take heart in the knowledge that it gets much, much worse the farther you move down the ticket.

Getting The Most Out Of Old Household Tools

Memo to George W. Bush, the entire Justice Department, Ed Gillespie, and Kimberly Parmer: FUCK YOU IN THE EAR-HOLE WITH A RUSTY AWL.

I know that sounds harsh now, but trust me, I have my reasons. And here these reasons are, in the very words of the potential earholefuckees themselves:

"My opponent has no plan, no vision, just a long list of complaints. But a Monday morning quarterback has never led any team to victory." - George W. Bush. Fuck you in the ear-hole with a rusty awl*. Happening to mention that you've fucked up is not Monday morning quarterbacking. War is not a sport. Three hundred and seventy tons of explosives is not the ball between Bill Buckner's legs. People like John Kerry HAVE to keep pointing out that you've fucked up, because you keep fucking up, and you won't admit it.

Plus, you imbecile, you only "Monday Morning Quarterback" the LOSERS from Sunday. There'd be no second guessing if the people in charge had gotten their first guess right. Perhaps, someday, you will know what a job done properly looks like, so that you will be able to recognize it and distinguish it from everything else you've ever done ever, but until then, just trust me. And try not to hand over any more huge quantities of explosives to our enemies between now and January 20, OK?

"Many Democrats in this country do not recognise their party anymore. Today, I want to speak to every one of them: if you believe that America should lead with strength and purpose and confidence in our ideals, I would be honoured to have your support." - Mr. President, you have two ears. I would explain to you that the reason Democrats don't recognize their own party anymore is because all the Democrats are TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU, but the metaphorical awls keep getting in the way. Plus, you're an idiot.

"This administration has made it clear from the outset that members of al Qaeda and other terrorist groups do not necessarily enjoy the protections of the Geneva Conventions. Al Qaeda members and other foreign terrorists in Iraq illegally would not be entitled to the Geneva Convention protections. That's consistent with our opinion on Al Qaeda and the Taliban in Afghanistan." - An unnamed senior Justice Department official. Fuck you in the earholes with a rusty awl, the lot of you, and a second bonus awl for your Imperious Leader Ashcroft.

Go back to covering up stone titties and arresting Tommy Chong, why don't you? You want to take prisoners, ship them off to other countries, hide them from the world, and we're supposed to take your word that it's OK 'cause you say they're terrorists? You lost an election to a rotting corpse. You have less credibility than the kind of lying bastard governments the Geneva Convention was designed to thwart. I hope you get the first pink slip handed out on January 21. Maybe you can sell it on eBay as a collectible.

"Look, the Republican candidate will never win the contest for editorial board endorsements. The major dailies across the country tend to skew liberal." - RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie. Fuck you. Guess where. Guess with what. And guess how many rusty awls we're going to have to scrounge up for all the fucks in the media who let you come on their shows and say things like this, which are demonstrably and patently FALSE.

You know how many times the Republican candidate won the contest for editorial board endorsements? Thirteen. You know how many times they've lost? Two, plus, it seems, the current one. You know who won the contest in 2000? BUSH. The statistics only go back to 1940, so while we can set a lower boundary on how big a lying, fuckwit monkeybrain Ed Gillespie is, we cannot set an upper limit. Plus, there's six days to go. That's plenty of time for ol' Ed to rack up his retardo quotient.

"If you actually look at him, and he stands up next to Kerry, you just kind of feel sorry for him. I feel he's more of an underdog, he's had a hard go of it in the last four years." - Kimberly Parmer, of Michigan, quoted in the New York Times about why, despite being an "undecided voter", she may end up voting for Bush. EARHOLES! AWLS! RUSTY! NOW! In fact, I'd like to get a team of surgeons to add approximately FIVE MORE EARS to you at various locations on your body. I'll tell you it's an extreme makeover or something. Because two rusty awls simply doesn't seem like enough earfucking for a sentence this stupid.

You do not support someone for Leader Of The Fucking Free World because you feel sorry for how badly he's doing the job. And frankly, the rest of us would appreciate it if you would not ruin things for the rest of us because of your inexplicable desire to give George W. Bush an electoral pity-fuck. If things go badly on Tuesday, it will be largely on the heads of the Kimberly Parmers of this country. Hooray for the rusty awl of democracy, which fucks us all in the ear-holes sooner or later.

*Metaphorically, of course.

As If It Were Intended For Some Kind Of... Circus

Memo to the Republican Party: I WAS WRONG. I'M SORRY.

I have, in the past, criticized Republicans for their clam of being the party of "inclusion". I've mocked the idea that the GOP is a "big tent", that can hold straights and gays (even while they work to make gays second-class citizens), whites and blacks (even while they embrace racists like Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott), pro-choice and embryo-fetishist (even while they frantically work to impose their religious viewpoint on people of other or no faiths).

But this year, to help Bush gain re-election, the GOP has truly assembled a diverse "coalition of the willing". Homophobes, racists, fiscal conservatives, Pat Buchanan, rednecks, Jesus-freaks, "security moms", chickpea sex-freaks, bow-tied pussies, and the Iranian government.

Yes, in what may prove to be the single funniest endorsement in the history of mankind, Hasan Rowlani, head of Iran's Supreme National Security Council, said that the re-election of George W. Bush was in his country's best interest. For those of you wondering how important the Supreme National Security Council, it's just like our own National Security Council, except it has sausage AND pepperoni on it.

Iran's endorsement is big for many reasons. First, it truly shows the inclusiveness of the GOP. I mean, these guys act like Iran is almost as bad as two guys who want to get married! All during the debates it was "get tough on Iran", "sanctions on Iran", "Iran is a doodyhead". And Iran still loves Dubya! They're like the Log Cabin Republicans of rogue nations.

So why would Iran, member of the Axis of Evil, support Bush? Well, aside from the obvious "takes one corrupt tyrannical regime run by religious extermists to know one" jokes, let's turn to the words of Mr. Rowlani himself. It's ACTUAL ENDORSEMENT TIME!

"We do not desire to see Democrats take over. We haven't seen anything good from Democrats." - Rowlani said. Ann Coulter, upon learning that she has expressed the exact same viewpoint as one of the filthy brown people she wants to eradicate from the face of the earth, suffered a minor stroke due to the cognitive dissonance. The stroke eliminated nearly 85% of her higher mental functions, and almost caused her to cancel her appearance on "Meet The Press" this weekend.

"We should not forget that most sanctions and economic pressures were imposed on Iran during the time of Clinton. And we should not forget that during Bush's era ? despite his hard-line and baseless rhetoric against Iran ? he didn't take, in practical terms, any dangerous action against Iran. - Rowlani again. So the Iranian government, who, frankly, are in a position to know, are quite satisfied with Bush's "all talk, no action" stance on Iran, plus his eradication of one of their least favorite guys, Saddamn Hussein. Welcome to the GOP, Iran!

But why, pray tell, would a Democratic administration be so bad for Iran? Does Iran fear that they would have to recognize gay marriages from Massachussetts? Are they concerned that our welfare cheats will go unpunished? Perhaps they fear that President Kerry's corporate tax hikes would impair Halliburton's ability to do business with them? We turn to Iranian political analyst Mohsen Mofidi for the answer.

"The experience of two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the responsibility Bush had, will make it a very remote possibility for him to risk attacking a much bigger and more powerful country like Iran. Democrats usually insist on human rights and they will have more excuses to pressure Iran."

Well, there you have it, folks. A stirring endorsement indeed. Dubya is supported by the Iranian government because he ignores human rights (nice to see SOMEONE took the lessons of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay to heart), because he leaves Iran pretty much alone, and because even if he wanted to, he doesn't have the troops to try anything with Iran. Four more years! Four more years! It's a pity there's nobody in the government who can translate that into Farsi for them.

The Bush administration, of course, has refused to accept the endorsement, but that's the great thing about endorsements. They're a one-way street. When you stand for Bush, whether you like it or not, you stand with Ann Coulter. You stand with David Duke. You stand with Trent Lott. You stand with Tucker Carlson. You stand with Alan Keyes. You stand with Toby Keith. You stand with Ann Coulter. You stand with Jerry Falwell. And you stand with the Iranian government. What a great big tent that is. Just a great, big, inclusive, grand old party. I guess I was wrong about them after all.

Why Ya Buggin'?

First, a bit of important business. If you have not seen Jon Stewart on Crossfire, I can't recommend strongly enough that you go and watch it. It continues to support what I've suspected for the past year - Jon Stewart is Very Important, and on his way to becoming Very, Very, Very Important.

Memo to everyone still discussing the Mary Cheney thing: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's been five days. Let it go. Stop examining it. Stop yelling about it. She's here, she's queer, her last name's Cheney, and she is inevitably going to be used as a ticking time-bomb volleyball in high-stakes politics. So get used to it.

TO THE LEFT: I know we have to stridently repeat our own talking-point defenses in today's world, but come on. Ofcourse Kerry name-dropping Mary The Lesbian Cheney in the last debate was a political maneuver. Just like Edwards mentioning it in the VP debate was. It was a cheap ploy to associate Dick Cheney with all the uncomfortable feelings Bush supporters have about homosexuals in general, and lesbians in particular.

It wasn't done by accident. It wasn't done to praise the Cheneys' childrearing abilities. It was a blatant political maneuver. And you should be INCREDIBLY FUCKING HAPPY for it, because it means that, at least every once in a while, Kerry and Edwards aren't trying to win this election on their merits as leaders of the free world. Thank fuck. Because only about 5% of the people pulling the lever on 11/2 are going to vote based on who they think will be the most effective leader of the free world.

The rest are going to go with blind party loyalty, the incompetence of the incumbent, who looks better in a short-sleeve shirt, who they think has a nicer bulge, whatever. Maybe a couple of dozen people stay home that day 'cause they're not voting for nobody who made their daughter queer. I'll take that. Hell, it's even true that she IS a lesbian, so the best part is, it's all still completely defensible.

Hell, the ploy wouldn't even have a chance in the first place if the right hasn't spent a big chunk of its entire history, and especially the past year, specifically courting people who think lesbians are "icky". Most of whom probably have "Girl On Girl IV" under their mattress anyway.

If it were up to me, we'd take full advantage of the Ashcroft Justice Department's steamrolling of civil rights and privacy, and have a national vote on gay marriage. And while everyone's out at the polls, we have law enforcement search their homes under the Patriot Act. And if we find anything in your home that features two women getting it on, and you voted "no" on gay marriage, your vote gets shredded by Voters Outreach of America*. The gay marriage issue would then pass overwhelmingly by a ten to one margin.

TO THE RIGHT: You can stop pretending now. You know as well as we do that all the Official Outrage over Kerry's comment is just as calculated and fake as Kerry's own comment. Sure, when it's time to appear all compassionate and moderate, you love to drop Mary Cheney's name. Plus she's on your frigging campaign payroll, which means that she's not some strange, closeted lesbian hermit who spends her days poking around a damp cave. She's in the thick of this, and using loaded, inaccurate words like "outing" just make you sound shrill.

It ALSO means there's some good, old-fashioned nepotism going in in the Bush-Cheney campaign, but hell, these days, nepotism seems like a quaint reminder of days long past, like bow ties, or Quaker Oats. Like meatloaf and mashed potatoes, nepotisim is Comfort Corruption. No more of that messy "deferred compensation from Halliburton", "no-bid contract" crap. "He hired his daughter to a high-profile paid position in his re-election campaign" is the kind of thing we can settle snugly into on a cold autumn evening.

Cheney and the rest of the right has settled on a new talking point, that Kerry "will say anything to get elected". Hooray! Finally, we have confirmation that we have a complete set of four for the election. I'd hate for Kerry to be the only one left out of that club, wouldn't you? You know what happenes to politicians who refuse to say anything in order to get elected? They lose.

*If you don't know, Google it up. It's fraudtacular!

Ponies Of Mass Destruction

Memo to everyone excited and psyched up by this year's democratic process: HOW DO YOU DO IT?

I can't do it. Fuck knows I've tried. I tried to get excited about the primaries, but Kerry, my least favorite of the eight Dmocrats running*, got picked before my state even got to vote. I tried to get excited every time Al Gore got all lefty and pissed, but all I could do is ask where the FUCK he was four years ago when it would have made a difference?

And every single day, every SINGLE FUCKING DAY, George W. Bush gets away with things that would have gotten Nixon impeached so fast he wouldn't have had a CHANCE to resign. Things that would have gotten Clinton hanged, publicly, from the top of the Washington Monument. And Bush just breezes on by with about the same half of the country behind him he's always had.

It has been said, by Molly Ivins and others, that Bush was "born on third base, and thought he hit a triple". Funny line. True line. But it masks the insidious nature of the Bush organism, which has somehow also developed the ability to convince OTHER PEOPLE that he hit a triple, even if they were there in the stands at Shea Stadium watching him get squeezed out of Barbara.

This WMD thing... fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK this WMD thing... you've all seen the stories. Huge, epic, WMD report. Years in the making. The weapons inspectors Bush sent in HIMSELF. Finally put out their official report, said they not only found neither jack nor shit, but that even though Saddam had wanted to make more of both jack and shit, he'd have had to wait for everyone to stop checking up on him before he could even start repairing the shit factory. Contradicts everything the administration has ever said, except for the obvious fact that Saddam Hussein really, really, really wished he had a nuclear bomb. And a pony. Of mass destruction.

So now, before we go into Actual Quote Time, I ask you to take a second and listen to a happy song. Maybe some Shonen Knife, or some TMBG, or whatever. Something light and cheerful. Because when you're done, it's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME.

"This was a place where if there was a potential nexus between the terrorists and one hand and access to knowledge and the technology of WMD on the other, it's Iraq." - Dick Cheney, claiming that the WMD report proved the war was justified.

"The Duelfer report also raises important new information about Saddam Hussein's defiance of the world in his intent and capability to develop weapons. The Duelfer report showed that Saddam was systematically gaming the system, using the U.N. oil-for-food program to try to influence countries and companies in an effort to undermine sanctions." - George W. Bush, claiming that the WMD report proved the war was justified.

And these statements are being given a fucking pass by the media, AGAIN. To hell with baseball metaphors. I think I proved yesterday that two thirds of the words in any given baseball metaphor just sit around not doing anything. This is more like a marathon. And the weapons inspectors ran the entire marathon, and John Kerry ran the entire marathon, and just as they got to the finish line, sweating in their tank tops and shorts, Bush steps out from behind a tree, in a suit and tie, and crosses the finish line with them.

And cameras from every major network, and several minor ones, have footage of him stepping out from behind the tree. And he's wearing a SUIT. And everyone takes a long hard look at the footage, and the evidence, and they conclude that the race is a dead heat, and really, there's no way to find out for sure who won. And everyone gets a hug and a cookie. And then Bush knocks the cookie out of Kerry's hand, also on camera, and goes on the campaign trail talking about how Kerry demeaned the sacrifice of the flour and the sugar by throwing the cookie to the cold, hard ground.

And the absolute best thing that can come out of all this is... President Kerry. "The bad news is, you have to eat shit for the next four years. The good news is, it doesn't contain nearly as much mercury as the Bush shit would have." So really, I envy all you people with your signs and your bumper-stickers and your cheering. And I hope, for once, that you'er right, and I'm wrong. But I ain't fuckin' counting on it.

*He was my second least-favorite of the nine people running for the nomination, of course.

It Takes More Than Hair

Memo to John Edwards: LUCKY, DUMBASS.

This is the one lesson we all should take from the two debates thus far. When you put a polished, New Democrat politician up against a COKE-ADDLED CHIMPANZEE, the New Democrat comes out looking pretty good.

If you then take another polished, New Democrat politician, and you put HIM up against a fucking power-addled career ratbastard, and guess what? Things go a little differently.

It was true of Bush, and it's true today. If you're not gonna bring your A game, stay the fuck home. Edwards brought his B game. He was reasonably well-prepared, came out swinging, tried to rattle Cheney and hit him where he's vulnerable, and in the end, he lucked into a tie because Cheney fucked up too. If it hadn't been for the incredible, what-was-Dick-thinking, "I'd never met you before tonight" line, Edwards would have gone home with the debate's defining stupid moment trophy.

The moderator asked the candidates to describe how they differed from their opponents without mentioning their bosses' names. It's an honorable question, because veep talking points and stump speeches ALWAYS mention the top of the ticket. And if you're stuck in a stump speech, talking point mindset, you're not actually answering the question. And while these moderators are completely fucking hamstrung in their ability to get all four candidates to actually answer questions, you gotta admire their quixotic attempts anyway.

John Edwards couldn't do it. He couldn't break out of his mold when he needed to. He went straight into stump speech mode, said John Kerry's name, was admonished for it, and then DID IT AGAIN. And this is exactly the kind of reason the Democrats need to get off of their love affair with Clinton clones. Bill Clinton could get away with being Bill Clinton for the sole reason that he was BILL CLINTON. You imitators think you can get by on being centrists with big hair. Clinton could get away with not believing in anything. That's an innate personal ability, not a fucking strategy.

How difficult is it to make Dick Cheney look bad? Not difficult at all, really, if you're not screwed by your desperate ability to be seen as centrist and mainstream. You have a question on AIDS in America dropped in your LAP by the moderator. A real liberal with a fucking PAIR would have placed a huge chunk of the blame where it belongs, on the radical right's pathological obsession with failed "abstinence-only" education, and a supposedly born-again President who's all to willing to go along with it. John Edwards, being a centrist Cloneton, spoke in generalities and went into his Health Care Stump Speech.

How difficult is it to make Dick Cheney look bad when the question is on the gay marriage amendment? His position is astonishingly hypocritical, has done its own share of flip-flopping, and, in case I forgot to mention it, is ASTONISHINGLY HYPOCRITICAL. And Edwards could have nailed him on it, if Edwards weren't a pussy centrist who has to say "marriage is between a man and a woman" forty times for each time he says "ain't it a shame that gay couples can't visit their loved ones in the hospital".

The vice-presidential debate is Exhibit A in why the Democrats need to stop trying to win at the Republicans' game. When I sit down for a relaxing game of Scrabble*, and my opponent says, "OK, I'll play Scrabble, but we're only going to use four consonants and one vowel, and I get to make up my own words", I do not say "That'll be just dandy!" I shove the board up his ass sideways, tie him to his chair, and force him into a deadly round of no-holds-barred Boggle.**

But that's not where John Edwards was last night. He was stuck, sitting there, with his dick in one hand and a five-point "K" in the other, and all he could spell was "Kerry". Twice. Because like the rest of the New Democrats, he was hoist on his own dumbassitude, and the dumbassitude of all that have come before him for the last 20 years. Edwards could have walked out of last night the clear winner if he, and Kerry, were the kind of people the Democrats should be running.

If we lose this thing next month because of it, I'll be really pissed, and if we squeak this one out DESPITE this, and they decide that this shit actually works, I'll be even more pissed. Dumbasses.

*Which is never, but I desperately need this particular Hasbro product for my analogy, so let's pretend for a moment that I've set aside the gripping spectacle of cars ramming each other into walls for the hours necessary to strive for the mighty triple word score.

**Oh, yeah. That day off has recharged the analogy supply BIG-TIME. I speak to power with board games. Back off before I go all Connect Four on your ass.

Why Democracy Sucks, Part 412

Memo to America's "Undecided Voters": YOU ARE DUMB.

What is your fucking problem? The news keeps telling me you're all waiting until after tonight's debate to make up your minds. Here, let me give you a preview of what you'll learn from the debates. First, JACK. Second, SHIT.

Here's an easy prediction. Nothing new will be said tnnight. NOTHING. Every single thing said during the 90 minute debate tonight will be something a candidate or their surrogates have said before. Which means you're not undecided, you're just LAZY. Pay attention, and you'll get to make your mind up that much sooner.

Or maybe you're not waiting for new information. Maybe you're waiting on the Jib Factor. You want to watch the candidates on live television to see which cut of whose jib you like better. Who sweats. Who has nicer hair. Who doesn't come off as "too snooty". If so, you are part of the problem and should stay home on Election Day, along with your shallow, gut-instinct, irrational candidate selection technique. Fuck off.

How difficult IS this decision? Either way? I don't care where you actually stand, politically. The last four years have very clearly and distinctly defined who Dubya is, what he is about, and what he has done and will do. Ambivalence about this is NOT A FUCKING OPTION. You either love it along with your fellow rich white suburbanites, frat-boy jingoists, and religious nutters, or you don't, along with your tree-hugging, America-hating, Michael-Moore-watching brethren.

Despite all the half-assed obfuscation about "compassionate conservatism", the country is being run by rabid ideologues with such a blatant and deliberate agenda that it SHOULD be physically impossible to be "undecided" about. It shouldn't even matter who the Democrats ran. If you're on board with what's been happening, then you won't be voting for anybody but Bush, and if you're NOT on board, then it could be Kerry/Edwards, Dean/Kucinich, or Eggplant/Toaster for all I care. As long as the opposition candidate isn't fucking puppies on live television, you either want four more years of this, or anything but.

If you're on the fence with just over a month to spare, how do you even make it out of the house in the morning? The existential dilemma of sock color must leave you paralyzed. Heaven forbit you stand in line at your local fast-food establishment, perusing the five different varieties of chicken sandwich in slack-jawed amazement, both excited and horrified by the strange new world that has such variety in it.

But you wanna watch the debates to see who you think comes out on top? Stop kidding yourself, and the rest of us while you're at it. We know what you're really waiting for. You're waiting to be told who won the debate by America's honest, unbiased observers in the pundit hot-seats of our many cable news channels. If you're incapable of evaluating the President based on four years of current events, including two wars, then 90 minutes tonight isn't going to provide you with your epiphany. So you'll be told who to vote for by the post-debate pundits, and you'll tell everyone you know that it was the debates that made up your mind. But we all know better.

Look, I've been an undecided voter before. In 1998 and 2000, I walked into the booth not knowing if, when push came to shove, I'd be able to vote for the bland, unappealing Democrat or the interesting but doomed third-party candidate. Both times, I was pretty damn sure that the bland Democrat would do fine without my help, and the bland Republican was only a few shades off of true in the other direction. Once, I helped put a wrestler in charge of a state*, and once, I was dead-on and the bland Democrat won my state.

But this President has spent the past four years engaging in fundamentally polarizing actions. He's like a giant, smirking magnet. You should either be attracted or repelled, not some inert lump of plastic sitting and dithering. If you haven't made up your mind by the time the debate starts tonight, you should commit to joining the rest of the non-voting half of the country come November. Unless Bush or Kerry fucks a puppy on stage. Then I'll grant you an exemption.

*Which I'm actually quite happy with, as Jesse did, roughly, an average politician's worth of damage to the state, while providing ten times the entertainment value.

Fun With Poll-Sucking

Memo, once again, to the general political audience and the means by which they receive information: 48% of you are DUMB, another 46% of you are DUMB, and six percent of you are undecided, but PROBABLY FUCKING DUMB.

Do we need eight polls a day? No, we do not. Do we need even ONE poll a day? Probably not. Do we need polls at all? Maybe. They were definitely useful at one point, but the hideous, misshapen monster they've become should probably be put out of its misery. Either by the army, or, barring that, angry villagers with pitchforks and torches.

It's not really the fault of the concept of polling, which is grounded in scientific research, has grown along with the development of statistics, and meticulously carried out by professionals with education and a deep understanding of what it is they're doing. A finely crafted poll is like an intricate detailed, hand-painted vase. The artistry is undeniably impeccable. The only problem is, the vase is made out of hardened shit and it's handed over to a caveman who proceeds to beat people over the head with his new shit-vase.

Polls are a service. Like any service in our capitalist society, polling is paid for. Therefore, polling must have a perceived value. So, to keep the money rolling in, that perceived value must be maintained. So the polling companies don't really like to let on the fact that, oh, their surveys don't include the opinions of people unwilling to waste half an hour of their lives answering questions over the phone. Which is an increasingly large percentage of the number of people they call.

Which means that if there's a significant difference between the opinions of people willing to provide their opinions, and the people unwilling to provide them, the polls are fucked. And since we'll never know what the opinions of non-opinion-givers ARE...

Then there's the hoops they have to go to to try to prove that the 500 people they called are representative of the population as a whole, which in the first place is fucking iffy at best, and in the second place, not the kind of thing you want the people selling you the poll to be determining. "Why yes, our poll is totally representative! Trust us!" Uh huh.

But let's assume, just for one moment, that everyone involved in a national political poll, from the person who first decides to have a poll, to the person that sells you the newspaper in which the results are printed, is a fucking saint on toast, with nothing but the purest of intentions and the kindest of hearts.

The pollsters take pains not only to make the best poll they can, but explain, in excruciating detail, all the various ways in which their poll's results could deviate from reality. The reporter writing the story does an excellent job of boiling down the salient points and explaining them simply to an audience unfamiliar with statistics. The editor of the paper positions the story appropriately given those caveats, and includes a tasteful, non-sensationalistic headline describing the latest poll. And the clerk at the SuperAmerica doesn't see the headline, point, and start chanting "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" He just takes your money and lets you leave.

At that point, the newspaper will STILL be opened by John Q. Fuckwit, he'll skim the article, see "Latest poll has incumbent ahead by 3%, well-inside the five percent margin of error", walk to work, stand near the water-cooler or water-cooler equivalent, and say to his co-worker, "Man, did you see the paper today? The challenger is FUCKED.

At which point the co-worker, hearing that the challenger is fucked, decides that he probably has better things to do on November 2nd than to stand in line in some stinky apartment building lobby waiting for his chance to touch-screen vote (sans paper trail), and it doesn't matter anyway because there's no way Challenger can beat Incumbent, and then, that night, when he's called by another polling company trying to work up TOMORROW'S poll and sell it to the media, he hangs up on them, or tells them he's not gonna vote, or tells them he's "undecided".

Used to be that polls measured opinions, and those opinions were formed by things that WEREN'T OTHER POLLS. There were only a couple of polls, and a couple of pollsters, and a couple of networks, and there weren't three different top-of-the-hour stories on three different polls on three different 24-hour news channels. Now, the whole thing is the classic snake-biting-itself-on-the-ass scenario. Half-ass polls are trumpeted by an incompetent media which feeds them to an ignorant public who accepts them as holy, incontrovertible writ and uses them to make sure that come November 2nd, they can say they didn't vote for a LOSER. Hoo-fucking-ray.