Wednesday, October 20, 2004

As If It Were Intended For Some Kind Of... Circus

Memo to the Republican Party: I WAS WRONG. I'M SORRY.
I have, in the past, criticized Republicans for their clam of being the party of "inclusion". I've mocked the idea that the GOP is a "big tent", that can hold straights and gays (even while they work to make gays second-class citizens), whites and blacks (even while they embrace racists like Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott), pro-choice and embryo-fetishist (even while they frantically work to impose their religious viewpoint on people of other or no faiths).
But this year, to help Bush gain re-election, the GOP has truly assembled a diverse "coalition of the willing". Homophobes, racists, fiscal conservatives, Pat Buchanan, rednecks, Jesus-freaks, "security moms", chickpea sex-freaks, bow-tied pussies, and the Iranian government.
Yes, in what may prove to be the single funniest endorsement in the history of mankind, Hasan Rowlani, head of Iran's Supreme National Security Council, said that the re-election of George W. Bush was in his country's best interest. For those of you wondering how important the Supreme National Security Council, it's just like our own National Security Council, except it has sausage AND pepperoni on it.
Iran's endorsement is big for many reasons. First, it truly shows the inclusiveness of the GOP. I mean, these guys act like Iran is almost as bad as two guys who want to get married! All during the debates it was "get tough on Iran", "sanctions on Iran", "Iran is a doodyhead". And Iran still loves Dubya! They're like the Log Cabin Republicans of rogue nations.
So why would Iran, member of the Axis of Evil, support Bush? Well, aside from the obvious "takes one corrupt tyrannical regime run by religious extermists to know one" jokes, let's turn to the words of Mr. Rowlani himself. It's ACTUAL ENDORSEMENT TIME!
"We do not desire to see Democrats take over. We haven't seen anything good from Democrats." - Rowlani said. Ann Coulter, upon learning that she has expressed the exact same viewpoint as one of the filthy brown people she wants to eradicate from the face of the earth, suffered a minor stroke due to the cognitive dissonance. The stroke eliminated nearly 85% of her higher mental functions, and almost caused her to cancel her appearance on "Meet The Press" this weekend.
"We should not forget that most sanctions and economic pressures were imposed on Iran during the time of Clinton. And we should not forget that during Bush's era ? despite his hard-line and baseless rhetoric against Iran ? he didn't take, in practical terms, any dangerous action against Iran. - Rowlani again. So the Iranian government, who, frankly, are in a position to know, are quite satisfied with Bush's "all talk, no action" stance on Iran, plus his eradication of one of their least favorite guys, Saddamn Hussein. Welcome to the GOP, Iran!
But why, pray tell, would a Democratic administration be so bad for Iran? Does Iran fear that they would have to recognize gay marriages from Massachussetts? Are they concerned that our welfare cheats will go unpunished? Perhaps they fear that President Kerry's corporate tax hikes would impair Halliburton's ability to do business with them? We turn to Iranian political analyst Mohsen Mofidi for the answer.
"The experience of two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the responsibility Bush had, will make it a very remote possibility for him to risk attacking a much bigger and more powerful country like Iran. Democrats usually insist on human rights and they will have more excuses to pressure Iran."
Well, there you have it, folks. A stirring endorsement indeed. Dubya is supported by the Iranian government because he ignores human rights (nice to see SOMEONE took the lessons of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay to heart), because he leaves Iran pretty much alone, and because even if he wanted to, he doesn't have the troops to try anything with Iran. Four more years! Four more years! It's a pity there's nobody in the government who can translate that into Farsi for them.
The Bush administration, of course, has refused to accept the endorsement, but that's the great thing about endorsements. They're a one-way street. When you stand for Bush, whether you like it or not, you stand with Ann Coulter. You stand with David Duke. You stand with Trent Lott. You stand with Tucker Carlson. You stand with Alan Keyes. You stand with Toby Keith. You stand with Ann Coulter. You stand with Jerry Falwell. And you stand with the Iranian government. What a great big tent that is. Just a great, big, inclusive, grand old party. I guess I was wrong about them after all.