Tuesday, October 12, 2004

String 'Em Up, Boys

Fuck politics.
There's just so MUCH of it, and it's interfering with our daily lives. I'd really love to get back to where we were before, and reduce politics to the level of a nuisance... oh, shit. Well, before the commercial attacking me gets aired, I'd like to issue a memo to a significant chunk of America: LAY OFF PARKER AND STONE, DUMBASSES.
Valenti may have stepped down six weeks ago, but the modern MPAA is his fucking Frankenstein, and they really need to take a long, hard look at what their role is supposed to be right now. Because whatever it is, I'm pretty damn sure it's not "protecting" us from naked puppets humping each other.
You are all, I hope, familiar with "Team America: World Police", which opens nationwide this weekend. It's the most important puppet movie since, well, EVER*. It's got puppets shooting things, puppets devouring each other, puppets blowing shit up, and puppets fucking. A lot LESS of the puppet sex than it was going to, of course, thanks to Dan "Valenti's Bun" Glickman and the MPAA.
Because if our nation's children, taken to an R-rated movie by their idiot parents, were to see two naked puppets bumping their faces and crotches against their faces and crotches, they may get the idea that sex is not a purely procreative act performed between two married people on anniversaries and birthdays in the missionary position, but rather an act of pure, selfish hedonism, performed clumsily while hanging from the ceiling by two dozen wires. And we can't have that. Especially now that the crop of Michael Hutchence imitators has finally run its course.
It took Parker and Stone nine attempts to edit the puppet sex scene so that it was acceptable to the MPAA. NINE TIMES. The MPAA must be the most discriminating puppet-sex connoisseurs on the PLANET. They've probably all won Nobel Prizes in puppet sex studies. I hear that in Burbank, they have a secret puppet sex library that rivals the Vatican's rumored porn collection. Nine edits. I wonder if they had to bring Valenti in as a special consultant. Valenti kind of looks like he could be the product of puppet sex, actually.
It's almost as if the MPAA, having been mocked and humiliated by the South Park movie, which then went on to be a critical, commercial, and Oscar-nominated success, decided to vindictively apply different standards to the two men who'd wronged them. But that's not the kind of behavior that befits the "voice and advocate of the American motion picture, home video, and television industries", does it?
Let's face it. All the MPAA is these days is an unpaid DVD extras consultant. They pick a bunch of stuff to cut arbitrarily so that children won't see it, and then all that stuff gets put back in for the "shocking" Unrated Naughty Edition of the DVD, freely sold at America's big-box retailers for fifteen bucks and owned and watched by the exact same children that were "protected" by the MPAA.
And on a similar note, Sean Penn's a dick. It's bad enough that his stated reason for being pissed at Parker & Stone is wrong. The South Park guys had the gall to say in an interview that stupid people shouldn't vote. You know why they said that? Because STUPID PEOPLE SHOULDN'T VOTE. And you know why stupid people shouldn't vote? There's a hint in the actual question. Six letters. Starts with "S". No, "Spicoli" is seven letters. Oh, and ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
""It's all well to joke about me or whomever you choose. Not so well, to encourage irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world." - Sean Penn.
Sean, Sean, Sean. "Disembowelment"? Disembowelment cannot be stopped by the voting of idiots. Idiots are largely pro-disembowelment. Most of them think it's just fine when it happens to filthy brown foreigners, and the rest think it's an unreleased Def Leppard album.
But we know the real reason. It's why you had to deny, over and over again in your letter, that you didn't mind AT ALL being turned into a puppet and made fun of in Team America. You're great with it. It's just that pesky non-voting thing that made you accuse two Colorado guys of singlehandedly causing the world's disembowelment. Uh huh. The fact that more people will see Puppet Penn this weekend than saw Real Penn in the last three years didn't cross your mind at all.
So just back off. America wants... no, America NEEDS puppets right now. Stand in the way of the puppets at your peril. Puppet movies are the future of the industry for at least three more days, after which they will most likely be the past of the industry for another decade or so.
*If Jim Henson didn't want them called puppets, then I don't have to count any of their movies for purposes of ranking or comparison.