Tip Your Bishop, And Try The Crackers!

Administrative Filler: Make every effort to catch a rerun, find a tape, or otherwise see the August 2 edition of The Daily Show. Jon Stewart's interview with Texas congressman Henry Bonilla is an absolute fucking primer on what's wrong with mainstream journalism today. After watching Stewart nail Bonilla to the wall with his own GOP talking points, you'll be left asking yourself, as I did, why it takes a FAKE ANCHORMAN to accomplish what the rest of the press corps seems to be dropping the ball on.

Some days, it all becomes worthwhile. All the toil, all the research, all the reading about evolutionary backwaters like Dayton, Tennessee... all of that work and effort and promotion comes to fruition when I get to type a single sentence of pure, unmitigated joy that will be read by dozens, nay DOZENS of faithful readers.

You know who's kind of a dumbass? The Pope.

Oh, I know. Technically, it's the legions of Cardinals who are running things right now between stints on Papal Drool Napkin duty, but still, ultimately, the Pope is the authority from whom the opinions of the Catholic Church are expressed, and, by logical inference, the Pope is kind of a dumbass.

It seems that in these troubled times, the Catholic Church has decided to tackle the issue that's been troubling the minds of the world of late - feminism. Yes, those feminists, with their demands for equality, are eroding the fundamental differences between women and men, and as a result, opening the doors to widespread acceptance of homosexuality, sexual polymorphism, and cooties.

Feminism apparently has "lethal effects", and, worse, tries to "avoid the dominance of one sex over the other". Although most news stories about the pamphlet in question contain limited quotations and sentence fragments, through my incredible Googletalents, I was able to find a more detailed excerpt from the pamphlet, written by Cardinal John Ratzinger, famous for playing Cliff Clavin on "Cheers".

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It is the considered opinion of the Catholic Church that, as so ably noted by the sage Sinbad, star of Hollywood's "First Kid", which provided family-friendly entertainment to thousands across the globe, that women be different from men. Trying to undermine this fundamental difference is leading to the downfall of society.

For example, women, please explain this unto me. I, as must we all, do on occasion need to perform various ablutions before the Lord, occasionally in public facilities. Yet I do so alone, whilst you and your companions must rise up in unison and partake of your ablutions in pairs, as if you were boarding the famed Ark of Noah. What, pray tell, is up with that?

And indeed, though they may claim equality in all ways and all forms, we of the Church know that is not the case, and as a result, recommend to the dioceses... dioces... diocesen... you'd think I'd know the plural to that, being a Cardinal and all... anyway... no, ma'am, YOU suck. I don't come down to where you work and slap the altar boy out of YOUR mouth, do I? Anyway, we heartily recommend that under no circumstances do you give women the remote control device. My male brethren in the Catholic faith, are you with me on this one?

Acceptance of feminist beliefs lead inexorably to acceptance of the deviant homosexual lifestyle. I mean, have you SEEN unto these "feminists"? Not a one of them are pleasing to the eye. It is obvious to me that many of them are deviant homosexuals living a life of sin and degradation. For example, the one I met at the club last weekend that wouldst not dance unto me? Total lezbo.

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Unfortunately, the audience went with His Excellency, Cardinal Carrot Top, who absolutely KILLED with 20 minutes of pure improv just using the Pope's hat as a prop. Cardinal Ratzinger was forced to leave the Vatican, and will not be the Last Cardinal Standing.

More Crackers, More Crackers

Memo to David Pence: YOU ARE DEVOUTLY DUMB.

The Cracker Police are at it again. And I'm not talknig about Mississippi cops. No, it's Whack-A-Catholic time again, as the debate over who gets to munch the Godbiscuit heats up yet again. And this time, in my own backyard.

David Pence is rounding up a Pastry Posse, you see. He's not actually calling it a Pastry Posse, of course. Catholics are less fond of wacky alliteration than I am, which is probably for the best. Pence's Pastry Posse, like some rogue group of Atkins vigilantes, will be doing everything it can this Sunday to make sure no stinking sash-wearers get any of that sweet, sweet Mock Jesus in St. Paul, MN.

The sash, specifically a rainbow sash, is a new thing. In the past couple of years, on Pentecost Sunday *, gay Catholics wear a rainbow sash to Mass. It's intended to send an important message, a message of tolerance, a message of changing the church from the inside. The rainbow sash proudly states, "Even though most of you hate gay people and oppose everything we stand for, we still want to come by on Sundays and bring a hot dish to the potluck because our parents taught us to believe in this one specific iteration of Mr. Invisible Sky Buddy."

To which David Pence proudly responds, in essence, "If any of those freaky homos tries, to paraphrase one Macho Man Randy Savage, to 'Snap Into A Savior', I'll be up there with my big burly manbuddies to run interference, and possibly a pick of some kind, because even though pretty much every other Sunday they've been showing up without incident, this week I can figure out which ones are the fruits."

That was not an actual quote. That was merely a comedy device. In the event of an actual quote, there will be a short siren, a flashing light, and a representative from You Are Dumb Dot Net will appear on-screen to inform you that it is ACTUAL QUOTE TIME.

"At Catholic Charities, anybody who is hungry gets fed. But the Eucharist isn't like that. The Eucharist is a restricted meal. The Church has always said you don't come to Communion unless you believe in Christianity the way the Catholic Church has transmitted the tradition.'' - David Pence, who, upon uttering the phrase "restricted meal", makes me almost regret having made the one alotted Atkins joke up in paragraph three.

The actual methods by which Pence's Posse's Pastry Prevention will take place are unclear. Pence himself has ruled out tackling, presumbably because of the risk of gay cooties. He's also claimed to be committed to nonviolence. But there will be some form of "disruption". Perhaps there will be some sort of loud noise and visual distraction, or a kind of "Hands Across Three Pews" human chain. Or possibly we can glean some tactical information from the name of the group.

See, I've been calling them Pence's Pastry Posse because the actual name of the group is so astonishingly, hilariously bad that it needs to be presented in the proper context. The official name of Pence's Pastry Posse is.... The Ushers Of The Eucharist.

Done laughing yet? No? OK. I'll wait.

Feels good to get that out, doesn't it? Ushers of the Eucharist. I hope they have the little hats. And the flashlights. "Can I show you to your wafer, ma'am?" "I'm sorry, this section has been booked by an entire group of intolerant heterosexuals. We've got a few seats here in the back, if you promise to be quiet and not make a nuisance of yourselves." "Bride's party or groom's party? I'm sorry, but only one of each is allowed. This isn't Massachussets."

Unless, of course, they meant it as a reference to top-selling recording artist Usher, whose single "Burn" currently sits atop the... nah. That'd be DUMB.

* I have no idea what Pentecost Sunday is, as my first guess, involving the celebration of the price of tiny stones, is apparently not correct.

Catholics

Memo to the Catholic Church: YOU ARE DUMB.

The Catholics are getting uppity again. I don't know what it is. Maybe John Paul's gotten his 90th wind. Maybe he just feels like he has to keep his pope hand strong. Or maybe, since it's been six months or so since any priests have gotten caught having sex with children, covering up having sex with children, or paying large sums of money for having sex with children, they think they get to throw some moral weight around again.

And when Catholics need to throw their moral weight around, but don't have the time to write an entire catechism, they turn to their favorite afterschool snack, the withholding of which is, for reasons that are inexplicable to me, a weapon of great power. I can think of dozens of places even rural Catholics could get saltines and cheap wine if they wanted to. It all gets transubstantiated in the end, anyway.

So, in their ceaseless effort to crush science, progress, and the pursuit of any knowledge not contained in their 2,000-year-old moral primer slash list of begattings, the Catholics have been seriously discussing telling politicians that support legal abortion or gay marriage that no, they cannot have their cracker, and no, they cannot have their wine, and no, you cannot pretend to eat Jesus because we're right and you're wrong. Nyah nyah.

And that's... problematic, but, you know, these politicians are out in public, with public views, and if they want to let their church influence them, we can all see that, and we can decide at voting time if we want the Pope's hand up the ass of our elected official or not.

But now, one Colorado diocese has decided that anybody who VOTES for a pro-choice candidate shouldn't get their cracker and Jesus juice either. Which should be very interesting in a country with a supposedly secret ballot. In all the coverage of this, nobody has bothered to ask how they're supposed to know who gets the cracker and who gets the shaft. Seems to me they're basically exchanging giving Communion to a whole bunch of unavowed pro-choice advocates for giving Communion to a giant pile of stinking filthy liars. But that's just me.

You may be saying to yourself... "Colorado? Vanguard of religious extremism? But aren't those lovely, mannered South Park boys from there?" Yes. Colorado is not traditionally the first state that comes to mind when you think of rampant religious extremism. But to help you with the cognitive dissonance, I've prepared a visual aid to show you where Colorado stands amidst the various idiocies of the U.S.:

As you can see, Colorado is a virtual epicenter of moronitude. You've got the crazy Mormons to the west, the entire Midwest to the northeast, Jim Inhofe just over the border in Oklahoma, and do I even need to mention Texas? No mitigating influences to the north or south, so you can see where poor Colorado, adrift in a sea of national idiocy, may find itself turning to rabid Catholocism in a kind of Lord of the Flies moment.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Not giving specific descriptions of the dumbness inherent in certain coastal areas does not mean the Tan Lands are magical enclaves where reason and intelligence thrive They are just not relevant to the current discussion. They'll get theirs in due course.

Still, the great things about Catholics is that, being students of the Bible, they don't have a problem with blatant self-contradiction, as Colorado bishop Michael Sheridan so aptly demonstrates in his directive. What starts with "A" and ends with "E" and makes the crowds all scream with glee? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"As in the matter of abortion, any Catholic politician who would promote so-called same-sex marriage and any Catholic who would vote for that political candidate place themselves outside the full communion of the church and may not receive Holy Communion until they have recanted their positions and been reconciled by the Sacrament of Penance... the church never directs citizens to vote for any specific candidate." 

Which is technically true. Using your supposed spiritual authority to intimidate and threaten people into not voting for unnamed people who just happen to have been in the news a lot lately for being Catholic and liberal is not the same as coming out and saying "JOHN KERRY IS THE ANTICHRIST!". However, in the great Venn diagram of life, those two sets are enclosed by a much larger superset, the superset we like to call DUMB.