Monday, July 19, 2004

Today's Proctological Roundup

It's Monday, and it's time for the Asshole Roundup! Get out your lassos and your cowboy hats... wait. That would make you an asshole. So let's just have the roundup without the trappings. Git along, little dipshits!
We should start with the 6,500,000 assholes, because they'll take a while to round up. That's how many assholes who, assuming an average $8 ticket price, went to see "I, Robot" this weekend. They need to be rounded up for their own good, frankly, because "Well, we saw I, Robot last week; Catwoman can't be that much worse, can it?" is an awfully compelling argument... if you're an asshole.
Of course, when it comes to assholery, you can't get much bigger than Arnie. Arnie made it into the news this weekend because, in a speech in California, he called Democrats opposing his budget plans... "girlie-men". GIRLIE-MEN. He's such an asshole. Not for openly mocking his opposition in a childish way. I think he should do that more often. That's why you Californians elected him, right? So that he could make one-liners like that at press conferences. You apparently wanted a dimwitted, combative, barely-comprehensible thick fuck ruling you like some kind of retarded clown, so obviously the system works.
No, he's an asshole for continuing to fucking appropriate the Hanz and Franz material. Hello? Arnold? You never said "girlie-man". It's a lot like "pump [clap] you up", which you used during the campaign. I know it's difficult for you to understand, but it wasn't you who said these things.
That was someone making fun of you for being a thick fuck retardoclown. Did you accidentally eat some of Reagan's brain? Did you do it on purpose? Stick to stealing from your own repertoire of "snappy" one-liners. You didn't write any of those either, but at least you said them, albeit after flubbing 40 takes and making two interns cry.
Hey! Politics! Today's Obvious Segue Moment brings us to political convention time. That's like Asshole Roundup without any of the actual work. All the assholes just round themselves up. Following some strange, innate herding instinct, all the Democrat assholes are striding across the plains to Boston, and the Republican assholes to New York. Zell Miller's going to New York too, but that's OK. When he gets there, the Republicans will gather around, sniff his butt, and realize he's one of their own.
Still, there is one group I'd like to split off from the herd for special attention: Protest Warriors. Like "Ushers of the Eucharist", calling your group "Protest Warriors" automatically makes you an asshole. No further exposition necessary. It's like driving an H2. You see a "Protest Warrior", you've got an asshole. That's not to say that further exposition won't be FUN, of course.
The Protest Warriors are Republicans. Add another 62% to the asshole quotient. They protest... other protests. They plan to be at the Republican National Convention to protest people who are protesting Republicans. That goes beyond "asshole". That's like some kind of prolapsed rectum, right there. Rectum The Edmund Fitzgerald, even. And while that horrific pun seeps into your skull, I will, because I am a gracious host, provide your brain with the sweet comedy balm that is ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"We are the right-wing freedom fighters - we are out there and are just as animated as the protesters can be." - Jason Sager, Protest Warrior. It's actually reassuring to know that if there are "right-wing freedom fighters" in this country, they're a bunch of assholes with signs in New York, and not 400 white guys in Montana with camo pants and assault rifles. America is safer.
"Conservatives by nature are not protesters... they curse at the evening news but that voice is never heard. We are rookies in the protest world, so yes, we are uneducated in how protests work." - Sager again, who is either lying out of his ass or is ignorant on the kind of level that Jessica Simpson only dreams of achieving some day. Either way, I'd love to see him locked in a room with a dozen or so Planned Parenthood employees who could educate him, between repeated boots to the gut, just how much protesting conservatives actually do. Asshole.