Friday, July 2, 2004

Latter-Day Hate

I got Mormoned the other day. In the lobby of my apartment. Don't worry, I'm OK. They're still alive. But the encounter left me with a profound revelation about the nature of Joseph Smith's brethren. Mormons are the anti-ninjas.
The essence of ninja is to strike unseen from the darkness, then to fade back into that selfsame darkness. Ninjas are effective. Ninjas are sneaky. Mormons TRY to be sneaky, but are amazingly ineffective at it. They are the Chris Farley of ninja.
Mormons, like ninja, have a uniform that's designed to help them blend in. Unlike ninja, Mormon uniforms don't actually work. Anyone who's seen Orgazmo knows the Mormon deal. White dress shirt. black slacks. Black backpack. White missionary. Again, the parallels to a retarded ninja are striking. Incredibly high contrast. Bad for fading into darkness. A Mormon lurking in shadow is a floating torso and teeth. And there aren't even different variants. There's no Mormon equivalent to Storm Shadow or Sub-Zero. The Mormon uniform is both distinctive and highly nonfunctional.
To help illustrate this, I have prepared the following Public Service Announcement:

I hope that clears things up.
Mormons never identify themselves as Mormons. The two in the hallway of my apartment building informed me that they were "missionaries". The ninja equivalent would be if someone walked up to you with a katana in one hand, a shuriken in the other, and said, "Hi, I'm an Asian Studies major." It is technically sort of true, but fundamentally misses the point and fools nobody.
And to go along with the "never saying they're Mormons", they try to trick you into thinking they're just regular religious folk. The guys in my lobby "just wanted to talk to me about Jesus Christ". Yeah. What they wanted to tell me about him was that he SHOWED UP IN UTAH.
In their TV ads, they just want to send you a free Bible. So that they can get your address, and send you THEIR SPECIAL SEQUEL TO THE BIBLE. Where Christ walks around in Utah.
They even have an alias. A code name. Their messages are brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Now, TV commercial time is expensive stuff. If you're going to spend a whole bunch of extra time using a name with nine extra syllables, you must really want people to not know you're Mormons.
We all know, of course. That's the best part about Mormon Stealth Techniques. Like small children hiding behind the drapes, we all pretend not to notice, and try to act a little surprised when they jump out at us and scream "DO YOU HAVE A FEW MOMENTS TO TALK TO US ABOUT YOUR FAITH?". You got us, Mormons. You really got us. We had no idea.
I think it's sad that they feel like they have to slip Mormonism to us like it's a roofie. I suppose, after the hundredth time some yahoo asks "So how many wives yer got, haw haw haw" they're understandably wary, but they should just embrace their innate Mormon goofiness and use it as a marketing tool. Stop showing us happy families enduring through troubled times with the help of a free bible (or two). I, for one, think that "Chrisitanity... with ALIENS" could really catch on in today's postmodern climate.
If there's one philosophy I hold dear, it's "Let Ninjas Be Ninjas, Let Mormons Be Mormons". The ninjas figured this out hundreds of years ago. With luck, the Mormons will catch on eventually too.