Memo to Halle Berry, Part II: HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE DUMB.
I actually ran out of room in yesterday's column before getting to the end of a single Halle Berry interview. So today we pick up where we left off, with more choice wisdom from everyone's favorite Oscar-winning amnesiac dominatrix.
"I defy anyone to see me as Catwoman. I'm balls to the wall."
What does that even MEAN? Is she challenging people to NOT go see the movie? Is she daring us to risk seizures by going? Halle, you're on the cover of dozens of magazines in the costume. We've already seen you as Catwoman. You can't defy us that now, whatever the fuck that particular verb means in that particular context. But at least you're "balls to the wall". Whose balls, and whose wall, is anybody's guess at this point. Whatever brand of glue they used to attach that costume to you needs to be recalled, because the fumes do ugly things to brain chemistry.
"I grew up watching the 'Batman' TV series in the '60s. My favorite episodes were the ones where Catwoman was on. I couldn't resist mimicking Eartha Kitt because her kind of woman is just in my psyche."
Now, for the proper context of this quote, it's important to remember the bit from yesterday, where Berry claims that they desperately wanted to do something different from all the previous Catwoman, and didn't want to be compared to them. Remember that? Odd, then, that you would set about not being compared to previous Catwomen by MIMICKING ONE OF THEM. That's tactically iffy at BEST. But wait, there's more!
"The good thing about the movie is that we acknowledge all of the Catwomen of the past. We believe there are nine Catwomen, and I'm just one of them. So, I'm my own version who is a little more urban."
Again, what better way to avoid comparisons with previous Catwomen than to acknowledge all of them! Brilliant! At least this one's more urban. I'm so sick and tired of all those Catwoman stories set on fucking farms and in jungles. We've had Amish Catwoman for far too long! It's time for a change!
And how, exactly, did Halle Berry, who came into this world in August of 1966, manage to grow up watching the Batman TV series in the 60's? The show itself ran between '66 and '68. I suppose Halle could have been an incredibly precocious one-and-a-half-year-old when the series ended its run, but if so, there's no sign of her astonishing prodigy status now. Or she could have meant she watched reruns during the 70's, in which case she just can't get her goddamn prepositions straight. And speaking of not getting things straight, let us turn to the Curious Case of the Confusing Cat Conundrum.
"I didn't have a cat when we started this process, but I have one now. He was my little muse on this movie and I call him Fig Newton. We had 60 cats that worked on the movie. He was supposed to work as an actor, but I took him away from that life. Now he's retired. He didn't even work a day!
That quote isn't particularly dumb by itself. However...
"For the moment, Berry has only one guy in her life - Playdough, the homeless cat she adopted after "Catwoman" wrapped. Playdough was one of 43 cats used in the making of the film, and he warmed his way into Berry's heart." - The New York Post.
"'I have watched my cat and I listen to how he purrs and plays and walks and when he gets angry. And there's a sound that he makes that I've tried to use, too.' Her cat is one of the 60 homeless cats used in a scene in her last film, "Gothika," with Robert Downey Jr." - Zap2It.com
So, let me get this straight. Halle Berry was able to use the mannerisms of the cat, one of between 43 and 60 cats used on either "Gothika" or "Catwoman", to help her in the role, even though she may have adopted the cat after the movie wrapped, and the cat is alternately named "Playdough" or "Fig Newton". And he either worked on the movie or he didn't. Got it. Still, they are very touching stories about the bonds between cat and woman, and I'm sure all of them are true in their own unique way. What the hell. They still aren't bothering to fact-check the Iraq-Al Qaeda connection, so there's really no particular impetus for Halle to spend any part of her limited mental capacity on keeping track of when she acquired her cat or what its name is. That's why stars have personal assistants.
As we learned yesterday, Catwoman is about female no really we mean it empowerment. And sure, perhaps yesterday she used a bad example to describe how, exactly, a skimpy leather outfit and face-licking is pro-womyn, but let's give her another shot. I mean, I bet she's taken the amazing womanpower given to her by starring in this movie and applied it in her everyday life.
"There was a sales clerk in there being extremely rude to a woman that I was standing next to, and I stood there and I thought, 'Wow! If I were Catwoman right now I could pounce on her and scratch her eyes out!"
That's so empowering. That's so incredibly empowering that I wish I were part of Halle's Great Sisterhood of Power and Womanitude, but alas, I am not. I can only watch from afar as they jump all over each other and scratch each other's eyes out. You've come a long way, baby.
"I will not marry again. I'll never get married again -- that's a fact. The man for me is now the cherry on the pie, but I'm the pie and my pie is good all by itself, even if I don't have a cherry. That's the way I'm looking at it -- my pie is good all by itself and that sometimes means being alone, but I'm OK with that these days."
It's taken two days and a dozen quotes, but Halle, you've finally made me completely superfluous. I salute you.