Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Actual Quote Day!

Memo to Halle Berry: YOU ARE DUMB.
I decided to issue myself a challenge. Could I take the already smash-hit concept of ACTUAL QUOTE TIME and create an entire column out of it? I would need a subject near to the black depths of my heart-hate, and someone associated with that topic known for saying utterly ridiculous things. If Halle Berry did not exist, I may have had to invent her. But she does exist, and, in existing, speaks.
"We didn't want to do what had been done before. We so desperately didn't want to be compared to the Catwomen of the past."
Which is why they named the movie "Catwoman", then? Which is why you've taken your vocal cues from Eartha Kitt? I think we all know why you don't really want to be compared to the Catwomen of the past: because it's the fastest, easiest way to portray just how much your Catwoman sucks. And since when, exactly, have the makers of a summer action movie really not wanted to do what had been done before? They all SAY that, but they never mean it.
"Catwoman was supposed to have scratched the leather away. It was an attempt to update it and make it more reflective of the 21st century"
This, of course, is referring to her costume, and not some scene where Sharon Stone squirts Berry with a water bottle after Halle ruins the couch. Come to think of it, I think that one sentence contains a better scene than will actually appear in the entire Catwoman movie. But that's beside the point. We're supposed to believe that in some sort of feral rage, Catwoman decided to claw away, in neat, clean lines, the shoulders, chest, back, and belly (barring a few straps and metal links) of her outfit? Still, it is more reflective of the 21st century. The clearance rack of Hot Topic in the 21st century.
"With Catwoman, you don't know if she's gonna kiss 'em or kill 'em. She's like the good girl who loves to be naughty. I think that symbolizes female empowerment."
No, you stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid fucking idiot. The good girl who loves to be naughty is not female empowerment. It's a goddamn conservative male fantasy. Have you not seen the "Hot For Teacher" video? Are you trying to tell me David Lee Roth is the new Gloria Steinem? Do you believe what you're saying? Do you even HEAR it? Stop trying to pawn off your 1953-vintage Penthouse letter as if you're furthering the goddamn cause.
"Every time I put that suit on I walked differently, I felt differently. People would keep their distance from me. I didn't feel like a dominatrix when I had [the costume] on, but I guess I don't even know what that would feel like."
I don't even know where to start. It's like some kind of verbal Whack-A-Mole. You walked differently because it was RIDING UP YOUR ASS. You felt differently because it was RIDING UP YOUR ASS. People kept their distance from you because you were in Hollywood, and everybody in Hollywood is deathly terrified of SHITTY MOVIE COOTIES. And what do you mean, "you guess"? You either know what it feels like to be a dominatrix, or you don't. There's no gray area here. Unless you're prone to frequent blackouts, that is. Maybe you really don't know whether or not you've ever tied a guy up and peed in his mouth. It's possible. It's something I personally would want to keep TRACK OF if I were you, though. Maybe use Post-It notes.
"I never want to be one of these actors where people say, 'Oh, that's a Halle Berry role.' I don't want that to be my tag."
Finally, something we can agree on. I, too, would like Hollywood to never again look at a part and say "Oh, that's a Halle Berry role." Seems to keep happening, though, doesn't it.
"One of the reasons I've decided to get involved in commercial movies in Hollywood is that in order to have a long career, you have to be a part of the commerce of the industry - a part of making money for the studios,"
ATTENTION, EVERYONE. Ms. Berry would like it to be known that her participation in the shitty Cat movie, the shitty Bond movie, the tiny part in the X-Men movies, the shitty Gothika movie, the shitty Travolta spy movie, fucking "B*A*P*S*", the Flintstones movie, etc... that was all just a personal business decision so that she could pursue her ART and her CRAFT in, um, Monster's Ball and the Dorothy Dandridge TV-movie. No, really. She's got an Oscar, you know. But then, so does Akiva Goldsman.
And now, four words that have never before been uttered together in the history of You Are Dumb Dot Net: TO BE CONTINUED, TOMORROW.