Friday, April 2, 2004

Little Debbie

We will proceed with informing our loyal readership on the dangers of Little Debbie in a moment. But first, I would like to take a second to send a message out to all of you, everywhere, on the Internet.
As some of you may have heard, Jack Black (of Tenacious D and School of Rock fame) has been cast by Peter Jackson as the filmmaker in his King Kong remake. For those who have made the " the giant ape?" joke in news stories abouit the casting, ha ha, yes, very clever. For those who have made the " the giant ape?" joke on the Internet, be advised that you have been beaten to the punch by wire service hacks, and that your comedy services were not required. For those who are just hearing about the news, and may still be tempted to make the " the giant ape?" joke, please devote your time and effort to some other comedy cause, as this one actualy started OUT beaten into the ground, and has now lodged itself in the earth's core in record time. Thank you.
Now on to the insidious nature of Little Debbie. I don't know who this Debbie is, but she's been unleashing small-scale, individually-wrapped evil upon the world for decades. Some of us still remember the horror that is the Oatmeal Creme Pie, Debbie, and we will not surrender easily.
But now you've gone too far. Joe Lieberman can rail all day about video games poisoning the mind's of America's youth, but when will he launch the clarion call for the eradication of the Zebra Cake? This is, if you'll pardon me saying so, a simple black-and-white issue. The Zebra Cake must be stopped before our children turn on each other like rabid dogs.
You scoff, but have you seen the news out of North Carolina? Which, despite sneakily having "North" in its name, is just east of Tennessee, and we already know what lurks in Tennessee, don't we? Anyway, the demonic powers of the Zebra Cake have induced violence, stupidity, vapidity, and insanity amongst the small backwoods community of Greensboro, NC (pop 223891).
It all started innocently enough. But then, it always does. Eight-year-old Kevin Logan* started his happy, eight-year-old day with a Zebra Cake in his lunch and a song in his heart, and ended the day in the hospital, with his mother and principal somehow suffering brain damage.
On the bus ride to school, Logan was hungry, having declined to eat his French Toast Sticks at breakfast*. He pulled out his Zebra Cake, which immediately exerted its One Ring-esque power over his seatmate, a boy two years senior, who asked for some of the precious cake. When Kevin refused, he got a beak in the face for his troubles. A plastic beak* attached to a plush Tweety Bird* gripped in the hands of the older boy. The older boy was not named, so we will henceforth refer to him as Gollum.
Gollum, obviously seized by Debbie's evil madness, then attempted to blame the toy, claiming "That was Tweety Bird. It wasn't me."** Then Gollum opened the super-size snack pack of whoopass, slamming Kevin into the window *, shoving him on the floor *, and stomping on him *. The bus driver eventually stopped the bus *, broke up the fight *, and took Kevin to the hospital *, but not before taking a long, greedy look at the Zebra Cake, which seemed to be calling out to him with dark intent. ***
But the Zebra Cake's influence didn't stop there. Despite the damage done to her son, all his mother could think about was the boy's future relationship with Debbie, The Dark One: "He loves Zebra Cakes, so that's not going to stop him from eating them. And I'm not going to stop buying them just because of this. It's just a shame that it got to this point over something like that." **
Obviously, Debbie knew she had gone too far. Overplayed her hand. The time was not yet ripe for her to make her move. So she needed an authority figure to calm things down, a patsy to placate the community at large. Debbie thus infiltrated the mind of the school principal, Renee McKinnon, who first sent a letter to parents asking them to "reassure your child that a school campus is one of the safest places for children" **, and then amended her daily reminder to the students. "I hope that you made good choices today. If not, be sure to try much harder tomorrow. We expect you to be responsible for your work and behavior at all times. Today I ad-libbed a little and said, 'This includes the cafeteria, the halls and, especially, the buses,' " **
Obviously, evil mind control was at work here. Why else would a mother feel the need to defend a SNACK CAKE'S HONOR after her son got pummelled? Why else would a principal attempt to pass off a Zebra Cake induced head-stomping as a "bad choice"? Even for a state that close to Tennessee. No, Ockham's Razor is sharp, and it tells us that between the choices of two people being that incredibly dumb, or a snack cake utilizing dark forces of evil to control the minds of those around it, the evil thing is much more likely.
* ACTUAL DETAIL provided by news report.
** ACTUAL QUOTE provided by news report. 
*** OK, that one was all me.