Wednesday, April 28, 2004

American Idolators

For those of you who clicked over from John Haley at 411Wrestling looking for the article on Eugene, it's yesterday's. You can even browse the archives if you like. I'll be nice and not make fun of them for getting the link to the site completely wrong.
For the rest of you, my loyal readers, who have been somewhat concerned that Wednesday would become a DUMBless void, fear not, because the goddamn American Idol thing has now grown to the size that it needs mentioning.
For the three of you that remain blissfully unaware, there is some controversy surrounding the fact that the (allegedly) most talented, and darker people on this season of American Idol are receiving fewer votes than the untalented, lighter-skinned hacks who are dominating the voting, and thus the whole American Idol process is corrupt.
Let's run by this again. There is CONTROVERSY over the fact that American Idol may not be rewarding pure talent because the American public is doing the voting. And there's even some talk that the American public might be racist, because of the six contestants, the three who got the low number of votes were minorities, and two of the top three were not minorities, and apparently some people don't think the minority in the top three is actually a minority. Other than being the only non-white in a group of three, which technically would make her a minority on a purely statistical basis.
Sure, I can understand people getting upset about someone losing on American Idol. I mean, for one thing, everything else is absolutely perfect in the world. Plus, as Clay Aiken has taught us, people who lose on American Idol with a correspondingly huge amount of press coverage will never realize their dreams of undeserved success and will end up living in a cardboard box holding a "Will Sing 'Unchained Melody' For Food" sign.
And now Elton John's gotta get in on the action, calling the results "incredibly racist". Elton was a guest celebrity judge on the show, which strikes me as odd. Not that you would want to have Elton John judging talent. That would be the obvious joke. No, my question is, why does a show whose results are determined by phone-in vote have JUDGES IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Maybe Elton's just feeling impotent.
ACTUAL QUOTE TIME! - "America, remember, you have to vote for the talent. You cannott let talent like this slip through the cracks." - Ryan Seacrest, host of American Idol. Because if the American people lose faith in the validity of phone-in voting for reality shows, the very fabric of our democracy is at stake. And while we're here, does anyone have a copy of Ryan Seacrest's resume? A C.V.? Something scrawled on a napkin, perhaps? Really, I'm looking for anything that might describe in what way Ryan Seacrest is qualified to do... anything. 'Cause I can't seem to figure it out on my own.
You wanna know how stupid this whole thing is? It's so stupid, it's forcing me to REUSE A POPULAR FEATURE to adequately describe it. Yes, it's time for the Dumbness Defenestration Punishment Chart! Remember, the way this works is, you find which category you belong to. Then, follow the arrow to a floor of a five story building. The category you are in will complete the sentence: "You are so fucking dumb, you need to hurl yourself from a BLANKth story window to atone for your stupidity. Get cracking."

If anyone knows where you can get a used pneumatic cannon for under $1,000, please notify Mr. John through his management.