Tuesday, April 13, 2004


Today, in the grand You Are Dumb Dot Net tradition of features you'll never see again, or renaming features you've seen before (but only once), we bring you HATELETS. Little tiny packets of hate that can course through your bloodstream and form a callous scab of cynicism over your soul.
For example, our first Hatelet has Yahoo's name stamped on it. You know why? Because nobody knows what a "Life Engine" is, nobody needs a "Life Engine" even if they could figure out what it is, and going around calling yourself a "Life Engine" when you're the second-place search engine is just asinine. People do not use Yahoo to live things, they use it to find stuff. Yahoo is just bitter because Google got to be the verb. Get the fuck over it. Lots of sites wanted to be PORTALS a few years ago, it didn't work out, move on.
A mini-Hatelet goes out to STOP, also known as "Simply Truths Our Priority", but only a small one, because they've already made giant asses of themselves, and we should all point and laugh at them. These people oughta become the official You Are Dumb Dot Net poster children, because first, they're anti-gay, second, they're overly concerned with protecting the children, and third, they believed the Internet when it lied to them. But it's better than that. They believed THE ONION.
STOP is trying to, well, stop, the expansion of a "safe schools" program. Presumably, the program would now try to teach kids that beating the living hell out of the gay kids would be a bad thing, which, of course, is promoting the filthy gay lifestyle in our schools. So STOP spent seven weeks, "researched in-depth", and put out a pamphlet and a 300-page computer document that featured a photo from the Onion showing a "gay recruitment drive" in a classroom. If only they were from Tennessee. They're from London, Ontario, Canada, which just goes to show you that the South doesn't have a monopoly on idiots, they're just the leaders in market share.
Ten million Hatelets, one to each one of you soulless fuckers who watched The Swan. And then another ten million extra Hatelets to Lisa Wright, morning DJ at WXPT, The Mix. Every week, like a champ, Wright pimps American Idol. Whether it's out of corporate mandate or just due to being mediocre, I don't know. But lately, she's started to pimp The Swan, which led to an astonishing exchange this morning. Wright started talking about the show, playing the clip where that week's winner sees herself for the first time. Her compatriot, Kevin McLaughlin, who's a fairly conservative asshole, admitted that the show creeped him out and sent an awful message to society. Wright's response: "Yeah, an awful message to society... still, other than American Idol, Fox really doesn't have any hits, and The Swan is a BIG HIT!" Again, someone has said something so obscenely wrong that I have to invent a new term to describe it. How about... coprolalic inverecrania. Talking shit with your head rammed up your own ass.
"Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's go see 'The Passion' on Good Friday!" "I've got an even better idea! Let's go see it on Easter, too!" "Brilliant! Now if we can only figure out when to watch 'Halloween' and 'The Santa Clause 2', we'll have our whole moviegoing year planned out!" Another 17 million and another #1 spot for the Jesus, and all because you people think you're CLEVER. At least when I went to see Hellboy on Easter, it was just because the schedules worked out that way. It doesn't make me some kind of MASTER OF IRONY. I've got Hatelet stigmata on my palms, and I'm itching to slap you with them. And curse you out. In Aramaic.
Hatelets. Bite-size hate for a world that bites. Yet another quality product from You Are Dumb Enterprises.