Monday, April 26, 2004


Memo to half of you: YOU ARE DUMB.
If you're not dumb, look to your left. Look to your right. If the new Harris poll is to be believed, one or both of those people is a fucking moron, and you need to slap them upside the head.
According to the poll, 51% of all Americans still believe there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq at the start of the latest war. Still. They asked back in February, and the numbers came out about the same. So I'd like to take this moment to address half of the nation.
You do know they haven't found them, right? Well, three fifths of you seem to. I don't even know where to begin with the 19% who actually think they've found evidence of WMD. I suppose it's possible one out of every five people in this country have a mental disorder where they remember, forever, the first five seconds of anything they hear, and forget everything else on that topic from that point forward, for the rest of their lives. It would explain the frequent discrepancy between What I Order and What I Get at fast food joints.
If that's not the case (and if it were, I'd think there'd be a doctor itching to name the malady), then I simply don't understand you people. I mean, even Bill O'Reilly had to choke back a big pile of crow of mass destruction. Did you not get the memo? Has nobody ever explained to you that when a person goes from saying "we know for a fact he has weapons" one year, and "we think he has weapons-related program activities" the next year (after actually looking for the things), that he was probably full of shit?
HALF. Just maddening. At least the 19% who are completely delusional have an excuse. The 32% who believe there were weapons, but don't believe we've found evidence after over a year... you people are just hopeless. You can take small comfort in the fact that there are more gullible people than you on the planet. Sure, they're all sending their life savings to Nigeria EVEN AS I TYPE THIS, but they exist.
It's just depressing to think that, of the two big lies of the Iraq War, "Saddam's Got WMD", and "Saddam's Working With Al Qaeda", one of them is still believed by half the country. It sure is a good thing that people have figured out that Al Qaeda thing, or I'd be really cranky.
Hm? What's that? The Harris Poll also found that 49% of Americans believe that we've found evidence for Saddam's support of Al Qaeda. Wow. Neat. Isn't polling grand? The way they can use statistical analysis and samples to paint a general picture of a broader population....
Just a second. I have to see if WebMD has an entry for "black, acidic bile fountaining from the nose, mouth, and eye sockets". Ah, yes. It does. They suggest I think happy thoughts, and if that doesn't work, lay down some tarps and buckets.
Polls like this never ask the followup questions I want them to ask. In this case, for example: "And what IS that evidence?" In fact, that question should be asked repeatedly. Getting louder each time. As you shake the subject's neck harder and harder. Until they either give you an answer, or admit that they have no idea what they're talking about. THAT'S polling for you.
And then, when 48 of those 49 percents admit they don't know what the evidence was, because THERE ISN'T ANY, we can ask the first question again, and maybe we wouldn't come up with numbers that make people's heads explode. Oh, sure, half of America would still be DUMB, but at least we'd be deluding ourselves about it for a change.