Monday, September 6, 2004

Jesus, Zell, and Footnotery

It's Labor Day, so all you slackers who only read the column when you're bored at work won't be around to read this anyway. Which means I get to half-ass it* for the holiday.
Memo to America's Retail Establishments: ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE STOCKING ENOUGH "PASSION" DVD'S? I saw enough copies of this over the weekend to build a giant cross out of, although what you'd do with a ten foot cross of "Passion" DVD's is beyond me. This DVD, and the incredible overstocking thereof, raises some fascinating new theological questions that only I am truly qualified to address. Well, me, and the Pope, but today is Jello Day at the Vatican, so El Popemeister is going to be occupied for hours. This leaves it up to me.
Which is more blasphemous? Taking the chance that your store might be OUT of "Passion" when one of the faithful comes to purchase it, or ordering so many copies that Jesus ends up clearanced in a few months? On the one hand, the Bible may very well say at some point ** "Seek, and ye shall find", and if someone seeks out the DVD at Target and they don't find one, God will kill a kitten or something.
On the other hand, once Christmas is over with, and "Passion" is on the $9.99 rack between "Big Daddy" and "Torque", how does that make Jesus look? Not good. And he's supposed to be exalted or something**, not thrown into a wire bin by the bucketload.
And in the "caveat emptor" department, I can't help but notice that "Passion" is available in both widescreen and full-screen. Obviously, from a marketing standpoint, that's an excellent idea, as a good 30% of the target "Passion" audience thinks that the black bars at the top and bottom of the screen were put there by Satan. Another 10% will wonder why the hole in the middle won't fit over their record-player spindle, but that's beside the point.
If someone buys the full-screen version of "Passion", then thanks to the miracle of pan-n-scan, they are eliminating and avoiding approximately 30% of JESUS' SUFFERING AND AGONY. And since Jesus suffered and died for your sins, by picking the Video Format of the Retarded, you are actually re-instating 30% of your lifetime sinning. That may be enough to tip your balance and send you to hell, where all the movies are widescreen, but they're also all by Paul Verhoeven*** and Joel Schumacher.
And nobody wants that. So remember, folks, when it comes time to experience the religious fervor, blood, and non-stop torture of Jesus in your own home, make the right choice. Choose widescreen. After all, WWJALRBAASPFLMGW****?

You know, it's strange. I'm not sure how it happened, but after the Republican National Convention last week, there were a whole lot of people looking around on the Internet for why Zell Miller was such a psychotic fucking asshole. Thanks to the magic of search engine technology, they stumbled across this site, which could damn well be a wikipedia***** on the subject of Zell Miller's perfidy.
But I haven't really touched on Zell's RNC performance, or his Hardball and CNN encores, because frankly, thanks to that, the rest of the country has caught up with what we've known for a long time. Zell Miller is a raving, antiquated lunatic whose only real ties to the Democratic Party stem from the days of segregation. And because there's more money and notoriety being a "renegade Democrat" than there is being yet another cranky old Southern conservative racist rightie. And while his performance at the RNC was not surprising in the least, he can still go fuck himself. Plus, The Daily Show was all over that "challenge Chris Matthews to a duel" stuff like bald on Rob Corddry.
I mean more than usual, of course.
** I think so. While you might think my lack of familiarity with the text of the Bible would limit my qualifications to speak on Christian theological matters, I actually find it quite freeing.
*** And not Robocop, either, so don't get your hopes up, sinners. It's all Showgirls and 8mm. If you only sinned a little, you get Phone Booth.
**** What Would Jesus, As Lovingly Rendered By An Anti-Semitic Psycho Fundie Like Mel Gibson, Watch?
*****A wikipedia is an encyclopedia made up entirely of entries by people on the Internet who think they know shit. They have, as you may guess, plenty of volunteers.******
******Boy, that's a lot of footnotes!