Thursday, September 9, 2004

Don't Fear Change

Memo to the world: I LOVE YOU.
There is no hate in my heart today. Only joy. The kind of pure, effervescent joy that can only come from slamming fools into bridge pillars like they were Princess Di. I speak, of course, of Burnout 3, the holiest of holy driving games, a game so good that it makes me love everyone.
I love Dick Cheney. Thank you, Dick Cheney, for putting the lives of everyday Americans ahead of partisan politics. They may say the Bush administration didn't do enough to prevent 9/11, but they've learned from their mistakes. When Dick Cheney had concrete evidence that electing John Kerry would cause a devastating terrorist attack on America, they didn't sit on it. They ACTED. Cheney interrupted his own campaign speech to warn the American public that if they voted for Kerry, we would all die horribly at the hands of Muslim extremists who hate our freedom. You cannot help but love such an act of purest altruism.
I love George W. Bush, whose charming malapropisms and cottonmouth obviously belie a competence so understated as to be almost indistinguishable from random chance and background noise. Why, just the other day, in Missouri, he told a crowd of friendly, loyal Midwesterners that "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many O-B-G-Y-N's aren't able to practice their, their love with women all across this country." Thank you, Dubya, friend to horny gynecologists everywhere. You're just like a regular guy. Plus, if I vote for you, I won't die in a terrorist attack ever again.
This is so much nicer, isn't it? Maybe I should see if "" is taken. Without that extra bit of reassurance, really, the site seems awfully harsh and judgmental for the newfound joyheart beating in my lovechest.
I even love Bob Ferdinand, of Fridley. He wrote an insightful letter to the local newspaper about how global warming can't possibly be real because it was a lot cooler in his backyard this summer. Oh, sure, others have made that point beforehand, usually in jest, but Frigid Fridley Bob was deadly serious. He even used numbers (74% below average days!), so you know he must be a real scientist. I think it's great that scientists have stopped publishing the results of their climate studies in stuffy old scientific journals and put them in the editorial pages of newspapers. I can only hope that one day, there will be a scientist who learns to draw, and then he can teach us all about science right next to "Ziggy" and "Love Is". After all, the editorial page is still a bit hoity-toity, what with it being near all those long, boring stories at the back of the main section of the paper.
I love George Lucas. He's a brilliant writer and an epic filmmaker whose best moments, ironically, are in the small scenes, like when C-3PO got his head stuck on a Battle Droid's body, or when Anakin Skywalker compared Queen Amidala's skin to sand. His only real flaw is that he is, like all great artists, a perfectionist. I think it's great that he's changed the Special Editions even MORE for the DVD release of the Star Wars trilogy, with a new Jabba, a new voice for the Emperor, and putting dreamy Hayden Christenson's ghost where that lumpy Sebastian Shaw guy was in "Jedi". I mean, if I could go back and change my eighth-grade history papers and get them regraded and then bought by millions of devoted Bryan Lambert's Eighth Grade History Paper fans, you know I would.
Actually, that's a great idea! The Web is impermanent! It's all-digital! It can be seamlessly changed. I will follow the example of my new hero George Lucas and create You Are Dumb: Special Edition. Reflecting the newfound joy and love in my heart, I'll go back and "digitally remaster" all my old columns! Zell Miller's not that bad a guy! It's not pigfucking, it's piglovemaking! Ninjas and Mormons CAN get along in peace and harmony! People aren't dumb and wrong, they're just... misguided! Differently-thinking!
Plus, now that I'm a more experienced web-columnist, I can go back and add technological innovations I didn't have available to me back in February, like Flash animations! Multi-colored text! Blink tags! You'll be able to experience You Are Dumb Dot Net all over again, for the first time! Only nicer! And friendlier! And full.... of.... love.........
Why are you all looking at me like that?