Friday, November 12, 2004

Why We're Hosed, Part 857

Memo to Bob Jones: YOU ARE DUMB.
This was originally going to be a short bit, but once I got into it, I realized it was deserving of a whole column. If any of your friends are Bush-voting moderates, show them this to remind them that they voted for the kind of mentality that Bob Jones represents. You remember Bob Jones. He has that university, you know, the completely fucking racist one that's terrified of interracial dating? The one where all the prominent Republicans go to speak at to remind the guys with Confederate flags on everything they own that Republicans still want their vote? That Bob Jones. Bob sent a congratulatory letter to President Bush on white, white paper, and these were his heartfelt, stirring words. Yes, it's ACTUAL QUOTE DAY!
"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America-though she doesn't deserve it-a reprieve from the agenda of paganism."
See, this just goes to show you how insular the world of the Jesus-Freak is. If Bob Jones actually got outside his Ku Klux EnKlave and met some pagans, he'd understand that the Pagan Agenda, such as it is, consists solely of buying lots of stupid bumper stickers and calling God "she" around non-pagans in the hopes of impressing them with Paganic Weirdness and Specialositude. Pagans are also a convenient resource if you cannot remember the difference between solstice and equinox, but so is Google, and Google won't waste a half hour of your life telling you what it'll be doing in the solstice.
"You have been given a mandate. We the people expect your voice to be like the clear and certain sound of a trumpet. Because you seek the Lord daily, we who know the Lord will follow that kind of voice eagerly."
Apparently, They Who Know The Lord think that trumpets can't get through two sentences without fucking up a word. Bush's voice is really more like a bassoon. It's tricky, fussy, and with an idiot controlling it, makes the most awful noises known to man.
"Don't equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you."
Oh, please. I'm about the most extreme, atheistic, lefty motherfucker I know, and I don't hate Bush because I hate Christ. But then, people like Bob Jones have always had a tough time with the whole "correlation is not causation" thing. For me, Christ is kind of like John Carpenter. I really like a couple of the things he's put out, but a lot of it is crap, and his die-hard fans are seriously fucked-up.
"Had your opponent won, I would have still given thanks, because the Bible says I must (I Thessalonians 5:18). It would have been hard, but because the Lord lifts up whom He will and pulls down whom He will, I would have done it. It is easy to rejoice today, because Christ has allowed you to be His servant in this nation for another presidential term."
Apparently, Thessalonicans 5:18 reads "LIKE HELL YE WOULD HAVE, YOU SANCTIMONIOUS FUCK!". And if Christ was determining the outcome of the election, you'd think, since he apparently lives within each of us, he'd have arranged for more than a three percent margin, and would have allowed His Flock to get to bed at a decent hour on Election Day. Jesus is such a drama queen.
"Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government. You have four years-a brief time only-to leave an imprint for righteousness upon this nation that brings with it the blessings of Almighty God."
Welcome to your theocracy, you so-called moderate, security-mom fuckwads. Bob Jones is urging Bush to pass laws on RELIGIOUS FREEDOM that are defined by BIBLICAL NORM. You know what the biblical norm is for religious freedom? "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Hope you like your next tax cut, because all you'll be allowed to spend it on are those little figurines of Jesus playing soccer with white children. This is the reason I had to get the whole letter, and do the column on the whole letter, because this paragraph is the single most appalling thing I've read from the right since the election, and I haven't seen a single story about the letter quote it. The. Fucking. Un. Mitigated. Gall.
"The student body, faculty, and staff at Bob Jones University commit ourselves to pray for you-that you would do right and honor the Savior. Pull out all the stops and make a difference. If you have weaklings around you who do not share your biblical values, shed yourself of them. Conservative Americans would love to see one president who doesn't care whether he is liked, but cares infinitely that he does right.
I can already hear the counterargument. He's an extremist. Bush probably didn't even read his letter. Bush probably COULDN'T even read his letter. But these are the people that came out in droves last week. These are the people whose stigmata make the red states red. Bob Jones did not send this letter thinking it would fall on deaf ears. Just dumb ones.