Thursday, November 11, 2004

The High Road Remains Free Of Traffic

Memo to Andrew Sullivan: ARE YOU LOOKING FOR YOUR HEAD?
I'd always felt a little bit sorry for Andrew Sullivan. As a gay Republican, he can't help bt act in a completely self-destructive, contrary-to-his-own-interests manner, but in recent times, he has come out against George W. Bush. Which proves he, like the Log Cabin Republicans all but the 20% of the gay population who voted for Dubya, are capable of finally recognizing a direct threat to their existence when it jumps up and down in front of them waving big red flags with flares tied to the tops and yells "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU AND I'M IN CHARGE, FAGGOT"
Sensing this vague, tenuous animosity from the Republicans, Andrew Sullivan voted for Kerry, and for that, I give him credit. But he's still a dick.
Sullivan appeard on "Real Time with Bill Maher" last Friday, a show which had already been marred* by a bizarre exchange with former senator Alan Simpson. Simpson took the peculiar view that political comedians like Maher shouldn't make jokes at the expense of politics, parties, policies, or voters, and defended Wyoming's gay population by reminding Maher that Wyoming is where Matthew Shepard was killed.
Toward the end of the show, Maher had, for the first time on any of his shows, Noam Chomsky as a guest. Noam Chomsky is the Samuel L. Jackson of political argument. You may not agree with him, but you do not fuck with him, because he's better at it than you. This isn't a matter of his opinions, this is a matter of pure skill. Noam Chomsky is to logical argument what Michelangelo was to doodling. So Chomsky came on via satellite for his interview, he and Maher talked for a while, and then he went away. Chomsky was coherent, completely devoid of rhetoric, and name-dropped Zbigniew Burzynski. And the instant his screen went dark, Sullivan pounced.
He started going off on the kind of rant that would make Tucker Carlson say "Dial it down a notch, buddy." He went after Chomsky, who conveniently was no longer able to respond, like Ann Coulter going after a liberal pork chop**. He accused Chomsky of hating America, of loving Saddam Hussein, of a whole bunch of things that Chomsky didn't actually say. He even accused Chomsky of being paid money to speak to people, which as we know was outlawed in 1972.
He accused Chomsky of besmirching freedom and democracy, and supporting oppression and tyranny, and said "I hope he's smart enough to know he's lying". And he completely dismissed the "100,000 civilian casualties in Iraq" study, which shows that Sullivan did not so much come to his senses when he voted for Kerry, but rather executed a classic gravity slingshot maneuver around his senses, spending a brief period of time in orbit around his senses before shooting off into Fuckety Cuckoo Land.
Maher tried to engage him on the topic, but Sullivan could not see or hear him through his righteous berzerker rage. And then, as the credits rolled, Sullivan started... rubbing his ass. I know you find this hard to believe. I missed it entirely the first time I watched the show, because I wasn't paying attention to the credits. But for whatever reason, going apeshit on an elderly professor gave Sullivan a wedgie, or a rash, or something else I don't even want to think about.
Now, normally, I would not automatically make fun of someone for their moment of inadvertent public embarassment. That's why I've taken great, epic pains to demonstrate that Andrew Sullivan is a dick, and thus a completely valid target for the utterly cheap, completely immature, and otherwise uncalled-for bit of graphic kerfluffery I'm about to commit.

Are you looking for your head, Andy?
Get it? "MARRED"? You wouldn't get this kind of comedy from a "blogger", you know.
** Dress it up all you want, but it's still COMMIE PINK on the inside.