Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Creationists: The Stupidest People On The Planet (Day Three)

Memo to Creationists: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.
Welcome to Creationists: The Stupidest People On The Planet Week: Day Three. Thus far, we've learned that creatinonists want to teach your children, think black people are like monkeys, and believe that Martin Luther may have had to wait for a DINOSAUR to finish walking past before he could nail things to a church. And we're letting them rewrite biology textbooks.
It is a battle taking place in the year 2004, what many of us considered "the future" when we were growing up. It's a battle pitting 200 years of hard work, learning, and thought against remarketed superstition and hokum. At most, they should be treated like a pesky six-year-old who's patiently explaining to his mother that he's found an elephant in his closet. Nod, smile, give them a cookie, and under no circumstances let them drive the minivan. But showing remarkable savvy for people who can't count past 6,000, the creationists are fighting all over the country, and winning.
Dover Area School District, Pennsylvania: Henceforth known as the Scraggly Toehold of the Stinky Foot of the Creationist Horde. The district has just become the first in the nation to approve the teaching of "intelligent design". Now, remember, I.D. is creationism with the serial numbers filed off. It's a pseudoscientific rubber mask covering the ugly face of the Six Thousand Year Universe People. It is a lie, and it will be taught to children in rural Pennsylvania in the name of "balance".
It's important, by the way, to remember WHY the mask is necessary, and why the creationists have to put on a white lab coat from the Halloween Store before they can say anything. Teaching creationism in public schools is ILLEGAL. Unconstitutional. Can't do it. Supreme Court said so. Not allowed. No way, no how. If creationists robbed a bank, and explained that it wasn't a robbery, it was an "unconventional transfer of funds", they would still go to prison. Yet "Intelligent Design" gets a pass, because there are plenty of people in positions of power willing to aid and abet the obvious charade.
People like William Buckingham, born-again Christian and, coincidentally, evil fucking idiot. It's ACTUAL CREATIONIST QUOTE TIME!
"I think it's a downright fraud to perpetrate on the students of this district, to portray one theory over and over," Mr. Buckingham said. "What we wanted was a balanced presentation." Really. That's a downright fraud, Mr. Buckingham? If teaching the thing for which there is evidence instead of the thing for which there is not is "downright fraud", then bypassing a constitutional restrictions using a name change and some sleight of hand is first-degree intellectual murder.
Mr. Buckingham also said that "This is not an attempt to impose my views on anyone else." Interestingly, there are two competing and equally valid theories behind the source of this statement - the Bastardists believe that Mr. Buckingham is both lying through his teeth and knows it, while the Delusionists believe that Buckingham actually believes that he's not imposing his view on others, even though he patently is.
Grantsburg, Wisconsin: The school board there has approved the teaching of "multiple theories of origin", which also means CREATIONISM. The president of the school board that approved this decision is David Ahlquist. Ahlquist is the pastor at the town's Grace Baptist Church. He also says, "I've tried not to let my particular view on evolution or origins get in the way of my academic. To promote only one view is indoctrination." Given that viewpoint, I'll be looking for a Buddhist with a bullhorn who's free on Sunday and knows where the fuck Grantsburg, WI is. Wouldn't want the Grace Baptists presenting only one view, would we?
Georgia: In the land of Zell Miller, they're trying to decide whether to add a "warning sticker" to textbooks informing students that evolution is not all that, and certainly should not have a bag of chips added to it. A WARNING STICKER. It should have a little cartoon devil on it. "Dipshit the Devil says - DARWIN'S IN HELL WITH ME! Don't be like Darwin, kids!"
Today, it's two small towns and a hick state. But that's three more locales than there should be. It just emboldens them. Makes them try for more. And they have allies in high places.