Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Emile Goguen: Massachussetts Prick

I'd like to apologize in advance if this column seems a bit rushed or "off" today. You see, ever since the gays started getting married in Massachussetts, my sister has been having sex with my dog, and it's VERY disconcerting. So I may be a bit off my game. I guess it's just the collapse of society as we know it. I'd invited her over for dinner, the news was on, and when she saw the couples leaving the Massachussetts courthouse, she just up and said "Well, if they're going to allow that, I'm going to go fuck your dog. C'mere, Adama!"
It's especially disconcerting, actually, because before the gays started getting married in Massachussetts, I didn't have a sister. Or a dog. And I thought Battlestar Galactica was shit, so even if I'd had a dog, I wouldn't have named him after the late Lorne Greene's patriarchal commander. Even with the built-in joke tie-in to Lorne Greene, dog food salesman.
I guess that's what they meant by the "breakdown of the traditional family", because before Monday, my traditional family had no sister, had no dog named after Apollo's dad, and the two certainly weren't humping like crazed weasels in my living room.
You know, I'd have more sympathy for the pricks opposing gay marriage if they weren't being such DUMB pricks about it. Such screaming, raving, maniacal, hateful pricks. You know, like Rev. Fred Phelps. You don't need me to tell you Fred Phelps is a prick. If you're reading this column and this is your first time being exposed to the idea that Fred Phelps is a prick, you need to do some elementary research on that prick Fred Phelps so you can realize that Fred Phelps is a prick and why. On the other hand, as this paragraph amply demonstrates, it is impossible to mention too many times that Fred Phelps is a prick.
But in at least one significant way, You Are Dumb Dot Net is like a gay porn website. My mission is to make you aware of brand new pricks you've never seen or heard of before. And with that mission firmly in my grasp, I bring you Emile Goguen, a Democrat from Fitchburg, MA. Fitchburg, MA was not named after a deviant sex practice, but it kinda sounds like it does, and that's good enough for me. Goguen is attacking gay marriage in a big way. I'm sure he would stridently deny that he is doing so to overcompensate for his secret hidden shame of "representing Fitchburg", or as it's known to insiders, "fitching".
But lest you thing Goguen is some nutjob, he is opposing gay marriage in two time-honored American traditional ways: associating homosexual men with paedophilia, and trying to fire the judges who voted in favor of the ruling that found the law that prohibited gay marriage unconstitutional, thus leading to this week's actions after a six month waiting period in which the state Legislature was asked to come up with a solution that solved the equal protection issues the court was concerned with, only instead they farted around and tried to change the Constitution but that takes years so in the meantime all the gay people can get married. That second one is somewhat of an obscure tradition, I'll admit.
So this prick Goguen wants to get the judges fired because he doesn't like the way they judged, which from a separation-of-powers standpoint is at best iffy. But separation of powers isn't what's on Goguen's mind. ""When it comes to the floor, they'll vote for it. I want a debate on it. I want to separate the men and the boys." Notice the subtle paedophilia reference? See how he slipped that in there, as it were? That is because he is a prick.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. Gotta get the garden hose and deal with the neighbors. They're having a huge incestuous polygamous orgy on their front lawn, complete with two elk, a raccoon with a strap-on, and a very embarrassed-looking ostrich. And they're all waving Massachussetts state flags.