Friday, May 28, 2004

Eat My Dust, Ebert

Let's all go to the movies. Let's all go to the movies. Let's all go to the movies. And have ourselves some cack.
Ah, Memorial Day weekend. Ceremonial kickoff to the "big summer movie season". If you love to watch big, steaming piles of shit, Memorial Day Weekend is your favoritest holiday weekend ever. And this weekend, you're in for a special treat.
The Day After Tomorrow opens today, so all you stupid fuckers who can't remember anything and can't learn anything from previous experience can all pile into the theaters and watch Roland Emmerich get off by abusing landmarks ONE MORE TIME.
I can understand none of us knowing any better and going to see Stargate. When we saw him take the great pyramids of Egypt and have them flying through outer space, it wasn't automatically an indicator of landmark-related sexual deviancy. It was just fucking retarded. I don't care if you like the TV show or not. Well, OK, I care a -little-, but that's not the subject of today's column, so for all practical intents and purposes: I don't care if you like the TV show or not. The movie was a turd on toast. SPACE PYRAMIDS.
But after seeing the stupid space pyramids, we all got suckered in two years later with the Independence Day, didn't we? When the White House ate it in a phallic beam of destructive pure light? Roland Emmerich was symbolically skull-fucking the White House, and all we could find to bitch about was that Jeff Goldblum killed the aliens with a Powerbook. Once again, telltale signs of a deep, fetishistic problem, hidden behind 90 minutes of celluloid brain damage and Harvey Fierstein. But we DIDN'T LEARN.
Two years later, Godzilla! Sure, it's by that ass that gave us that crappy Independence Day movie, but man, it's Godzilla! Godzilla is practically... oh, shit. Godzilla is practically a landmark in his own right. So what did Roland Emmerich do to this cinematic landmark? He gave it a sex change and GOT IT PREGNANT. Hello? Am I the only one seeing a pattern here? I'm telling you, I bet there are secret arrest records that show Roland Emmerich has tried or succeeded in sticking his dick into somewhere between four and six of the Seven Wonders of the World. But we still didn't see it, and you know why? Because once again, we were distracted. Distracted by Maria Pitillo as Matthew Broderick's love interest delivering a performance so astonishingly bad, so incredibly inept, that it MUST have been an intentional ploy by Emmerich to keep people from seeing what he was doing to the 1:12 scale Godzilla model.
Then, two years later, like clockwork, The Patriot. Which doesn't actually fit with the theme, so I'm not going to waste time trying to come up with some kind of "raping history" bullshit. We're ALL better than that. The Patriot was merely a stupid, shitty movie that I did not see, so if there is any evidence of Roland Emmerich wanting to make the Beast With Five Walls with some famous building, I don't know what it is.
And now, we have The Day After Tomorrow. Global Warming! News stories about the "sciientific basis". If they get those horrible people who write those "Science Of..." books to do one for this movie, then the species deserves to die off, OK? So we have the fifth (sixth, if you count Universal Soldier) shit movie in a row from a shit director and a shit writer who's produced NOTHIING BUT FECES in his entire career, and you're all still lining up to take it. And Emmerich wrote this one ALL BY HIS LONESOME. No Dean Devlin to provide a different style of crappiness.
But the topper, the piece de resistance, that should keep you far, far away from the cinema is this. What is the single, signature shot used in all the trailers? It's the Statue of Liberty. BURIED IN ROLAND EMMERICH'S WHITE DIRECTOR-GOO. The man has a sickness. Don't feed his sickness. If you keep giving him hundreds of millions of dollars every time he simulates sex with a landmark, he'll never stop.
Oh, and Soul Plane comes out this weekend too, but I've run out of room. Anyway, if you're looking forward to the sheer hilarity of "Soul Plane" all you need to know is that Lisa Wright, morning DJ of "Mix 104" and the single DUMBEST media personality in the entire Twin Cities metro, can't wait to see it. This basically puts you in the same evolutionary category as bread mold, only without the disease-curing upside. Enjoy the movie! I hear Snoop Dogg smokes the marijuana cigarettes in this one. FUNNY.