Monday, March 15, 2004

People Who Don't Listen To Me

Memo to people not listening to me: YOU ARE DUMB.
Now, I don't like to gloat.
Wait. What am I thinking of? I love gloating. I must have been thinking about skiing. I hate skiing. Don't know what you people see in it. But gloating? Gloating/s great.
Remember last week, how I may have mentioned in passing that the Internet lies to you? Well, it lied to a paralegal in Aliso Viejo, California, too.
And because of the Internet lying, the Aliso Viejo city council came THIS CLOSE to voting on a ban on styrofoam cups, because the paralegal (whose gender the Associated Press failed to mention in a clear ploy to make me have to write awkward pronouns on a virally-tinged Monday) learned that styrofoam cups were manufactured using the hazardous chemical... dihydrogen monoxide.
Yes, the old dihydrogen monoxide gag. If you haven't searched it out before, you should, it's pretty funny. Dihydrogen, two hydrogens. Monoxide, one oxygen. H2O. Deadly when inhaled, and also prone to causing deep embarrassment if it's found in your record collection.
Meanwhile, another $30 million worth of people also failed to listen to me, so the Jesus is up to $260 million, and pundits are predicting big numbers for the upcoming Easter weekend, which, if the seasonal aisle at Target is any indication, should be pretty soon.
Call me an old-fashioned traditionalist, but I really miss the days when Easter was about chocolate, rabbits, chocolate rabbits, plastic grass, and not eating the black jellybeans. It's almost as if we've forgotten about the TRUE meaning of Easter in our mad rush to the multiplexes to watch some bearded dude get tortured and flayed. Especially when it's not Bruce Vilanch.