Monday, January 12, 2004

The Media And The General Public

Memo to the media and the general public: YOU ARE DUMB.
Now I know it's a bit early in the life of the site to be passing out generalized proclamations like that, but I'm afraid it's true. Luckily, there are a series of exceptions which I will detail.
  1. If, as a member of the media, you did not concern yourself with Britney Spears' wedding and annulment (henceforth BSWAA), you are granted an exception.
  2. If, as a member of the media, you were forced to write about BSWAA, but did so under protest and refused to link the piece in any way with the song title "Oops, I Did It Again", you are granted an exception.
  3. If you are, specifically, a member of the media known as "Morning Radio Disc Jockey", and did not mention BSWAA in any way, shape or form, you are granted both an exception and a Special Commendation. Special Commendation not available to employees of classical music stations.
  4. If, as a member of the general public, you winced when listening to other members of the general public discuss BSWAA, you are granted an exception and the sympathies of
  5. If, as a member of the general public, you only engaged in workplace discussion of BSWAA in order to inform your co-workers that BSWAA was a non-event of epic proportions, you are granted an exception.
The rest of y'all are fuckin' dumb.
I mean, even by the devalued, prostituted, left-for-dead-by-the-side-of-the-road standard that separates "news" from "not news" these days, this is NOT NEWS. Not important. Not relevant in any single way, shape, or form to the daily lives of all but about half a dozen people on the planet, and even to most of them, who either participated in the incident or the aftermath, it ain't that huge.
It's not as if Ms. Spears nee Mrs. Alexander nee Ms. Spears actually did anything beyond the pale or particularly egregious. She killed no puppies, ate no dolphins, vomited on no Japanese officials, and does not receive a million bucks a year from Halliburton.
This is a non-event even by the standards of normal folk, much less pop stars. I mean, do we really need to devote an entire week-plus of the news cycle to someone who lived through a bad sitcom plot?
And you know what the topper is? We're going to be hearing about this for the rest of the Spears Spawn's lifespan. No major life event reportage will be complete without one paragraph memorializing her Vegas escapade. That paragraph will be there, I guarantee, when she gets married for real, when/if she breeds, and in her obituary. It'll be in 94.2% of the reviews of her next album. It is, from this point forward, an inescapable chunk of our cultural milieu, our psychic flotsam and jetsam.
And why? Why did this happen? Because, with the exception of those enumerated above, YOU ARE DUMB.