Remembering Reggie

It's not polite to speak ill of the dead.

I mean, hell, most people didn't even speak ill of Richard Nixon after he died, which extends beyond politeness to the kind of delusional, overwrought, complex system of manners and etiquette you read about in books that get turned into Merchant-Ivory movies. You know, the stuff with the calling cards and such. The kind of thing that makes you wonder if Emily Post had OCD and managed to inflict it on an entire nation.

In the spirit of that tradition, I offer the following quotes without comment, in the interests of remembering NFL star Reggie White. YAD and Reggie only co-existed for a short time, which I think is a damn shame.

THE LATE REGGIE WHITE ON HOMOSEXUALITY:

"As America has permitted homosexuality to establish itself as an alternate lifestyle, it is also reeling from the frightening spread of sexually transmitted disease. Sin begets its own consequence, both on individuals and nations."

"I've often had people ask me, would you allow a homosexual to be your friend. Yes, I will. And the reason I will is because I know that that person has problems, and if I can minister to those problems, I will."

"I'm offended that homosexuals will say that homosexuals deserve rights. Any man in America deserves rights, but homosexuals are trying to compare their plight with the plight of black men or black people. In the process of history, homosexuals have never been castrated, millions of them never died. Homosexuality is a decision. It's not a race. And when you look at it, people from all different ethnic backgrounds are living this lifestyle, but people from all different ethnic backgrounds are also liars and cheaters and malicious and backstabbers."

THE LATE REGGIE WHITE ON WHY GOD MADE THE RACES DIFFERENT:

"Hispanics are gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic person and they can put 20 or 30 people in one home. They were gifted in the family structure."

"When you look at the Asians, the Asian is very gifted in creation, creativity and inventions. If you go to Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch. They're very creative. And you look at the Indians, they have been very gifted in the spirituality."

THE LATE REGGIE WHITE ON WHY ROME KICKED ASS:

"Rome had strong families when they first started out. It was founded on high moral standards. Each father was respected as the head of the family. In the early republic, the father had legal authority to discipline rebellious members of his family.

THE LATE REGGIE WHITE ON WHY ROME STOPPED KICKING ASS:

"Number five, there was an infiltration of a lie. As Roman families prospered, it became fashionable to hire educated Greeks to care for the children. Greek philosophies, with its humanistic and garish base, was soon passed on to the Roman families.

Reggie White. Packer* Sacker**. Minister. Amateur historian. He will be missed, both by football fans and the millions of homosexuals he never got the chance to save from themselves.

---

Here's a fun little game we can play. The media helped spread two interesting ideas in the week or two before Christmas. This would be the liberal media, of course, chock full of leftists and Communists seeking to impose their ideology on Mainstream America. As a result, one of these fact should be common knowledge by know, and the other will have been almost completely ignored by the general population. Can you tell which one is which?

1 - The American Civil Liberties Union is part of an orchestrated campaign to destroy Christmas and oppress Christians by completely removing Christianity from the public sphere.

2 - The American Civil LIberties Union has, through exhaustive Freedom of Information Act requests, uncovered FBI e-mails that refer to an executive order, from the President, authorizing the use of harsh interrogation tactics (a.k.a. abuse and torture) for detainees at Guantanamo Bay.

I have to say, it's funny the way the right-wing keeps lucking out like that. I mean, a bunch of them just happened to start making the ACLU look bad over the Christmas thing, which they coincidentally happened to mostly invent in the same exact way, right before the ACLU gets ahold of documents implicating Bush in prisoner abuse. You almost can't MAKE a break that good.

---

*Strictly in a football sense.
*Also strictly in a football sense.

Go Cry Into Your Little Hankie

Memo to you and your Homer Hanky: YOU ARE DUMB.

Today, we're going to discuss why sports fans are worse than nerds. Sports fans like to mock nerds, which is perfectly understandable, until you realize that sports fans ARE nerds, at least by the officially accepted YAD definition, which is "someone who will tell you about their hobby even though you don't want to know".

The sporties are bad enough during the regular season, but let one local team get into the playoffs, and all of a sudden, their numbers swell, their fervor grows and throbs, and they start hanging shit up and waving shit around. Like Homer Hankies.

A "Homer Hanky" is the offical square of cheap cloth printed by underpaid third-world labor of the Minnesota Twins. You can tell it's a Homer Hanky, and not an ordinary nose-wipe, by the words "HOMER HANKY" emblazoned upon it. The Homer Hanky is then waved by fans whenever another chapter of the Iliad is completed.

OK, I'll admit I'm not actually precisely aware of the proper HH* usage. I don't know if it's waved to encourage a home run, or to celebrate one. I don't know if it can also be used as a regular hanky, or if it's sacrosanct in order to protect people in neighboring seats when it's subsequently waved. I do know that it's vitally necessary to give the fans something to do during a baseball game, because that way, you mask the astonishing level of inactivity on the field.

Baseball cracks me up. It truly is the "national pastime", because a lot of people spend a lot of time doing nothing during a baseball game. And don't send me e-mails or come to the forum with your Ken Burns shit about how all these guys work really hard and it isn't easy to stand there for the eleven or so subjective hours it takes to get through a game and all that. I've heard it all before.

The fact is, at any given moment during a baseball game, there are 18 people playing. Technically, that number could be more, thanks to the designated hitter rule, but trust me, it is kinder to baseball to leave that number at 18. Of those 18 people, throughout the entire game, five of them are guaranteed to be sessile. They have nothing to do. It's a different five people depending on when you check, but it's always at least five. That's a 28% inactiviy rate right there, or, by my handy conversion chart, "College Freshman".

For a vast majority of the time, that five number actually varies between five and eight, and spends a lot of time on 7 or 8. Let's be generous and split it evenly, 1/4 of the game five people are inactive, 1/4 of the game it's 6, etc. That's a 36% inactivity rate, and again, we go to the conversion chart, and see that that compares roughly to a cubicle drone on an average day.

The best hitters in baseball manage to hit the ball about a third of the time. Let's be generous and say that every hitter is that good. That means that for two thirds of a game, seven more people are inactive. This brings the total inactivity rate in a game of baseball to a mind-staggering, conservative estimate of 62.1%, or Someone Recovering From Minor Surgery.

But even during the times when the ball gets hit, not everyone in the field gets involved in the play. Let's again be generous, and assume that every single time the ball gets hit, it results in a triple play involving one fielder and three base-guys. That means for 1/3 of the game, an additional three people are inactive. Bringing the total inactivity rate in a game of baseball to SIXTY SEVEN POINT SIX PERCENT. That means that when you go to the single most exciting baseball game in the universe, where everybody is hitting like an All-Star and every play is part of a highlight reel, people are only actually doing stuff a third of the time.

THIS is what you're all excited about. This is what you hang your hankies up over, what makes you add "GO TWINS" to our electronic bus signs that would otherwise tell us where the bus is going, what makes you overturn cars and set them on fire on the off chance your local group of two-thirds-sessile steroid freaks defeats the other cities' teams? At least when nerds get excited about stuff, it's stuff where things actually happen**. And at least their stupid made-up merchandise lights up and makes sounds and fires missiles. It's not some cheap fucking piece of cloth you have to wave around for nine innings to keep your attenuated attention span happy because NOTHING'S HAPPENING ON THE FIELD.

So there you have it. Sports fans have been mathematically proven to be worse than nerds. Nerds, you may feel free to use these statistics at the next social gathering in which sports fans are also present, but I waive any liability for any wedgies that this action may incur.

*I was sick of typing "Homer Hanky" by the time I hit the first "m" in the first paragraph, so it's HH from here on out.

*OK, not the Stargate SG-1 fans, I'll grant you that one.

Hearts, Minds, And Balls

Memo to Dubya: HA HA HA HA HA.

It is to laugh, really. Remember back when Dick Cheney uttered the immortal words, "I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators." Visions of sugarplum parades danced in the administration's heads. Didn't work out that way, of course, and it seems like every day, as things deteriorate in Iraq and more people die, the whole "greeted as liberators" thing seems more and more absurd.

But as a measure of bungling, as a measure of just how much ol' Dubya has fucked up... well, let's just say it's a good thing Georgie doesn't actually read any news, and instead has people tell him what he "needs" to know. 'Cause otherwise, he might pick up a Sports Illustrated, or check it out online, and learn just how much he sucks.

I mean, how bad at liberating do you have to be before a bunch of guys, directly under the thumb of the brutal and sadistic sonofadictator Uday Hussein before you freed them, tell you to go fuck yourself? That's REALLY bad liberating. That would earn a gold medal in Shitty Liberating, if the '04 games were in the US and we picked it as our demonstration sport. Which we really should, because when it comes to really awful jobs of liberation, the USA has been the global standard-setter for DECADES.

See, the Bush team decided to grab hold of the coattails of one of the more inspiringly-manufactured Olympic success stories, the Iraqi soccer team. Hadn't been in an Olympics since 1988. Tortured by Uday when they underperformed. Now they are free, and winning games, and, if you believe the stump speeches and ads coming from Bush, it's all because Dubya had the strength and the courage to invade Iraq looking for nonexistent WMD and terrorists. If anyone should be thanking Bush for their newfound freedom, it's these Iraqi soccer players. And now, on the global stage, with the world's media watching, they are expressing their gratitude. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Iraq as a team does not want Mr. Bush to use us for the presidential campaign. He can find another way to advertise himself." - midfielder Salih Sadir.

Well, you know. They're big stars now. Maybe they're just mad at being used without due compensation. Wheaties wouldn't dare put them in commercials without paying them, after all, so why should Bush be able to? Oh, wait, there's another quote coming in.

"How will he meet his god having slaughtered so many men and women? He has committed so many crimes. I want to defend my home. If a stranger invades America and the people resist, does that mean they are terrorists? Everyone [in Fallujah] has been labeled a terrorist. These are all lies. Fallujah people are some of the best people in Iraq." - midfielder Ahmed Manajid.

Ah, um... OK. Well, these guys are midfielders, and as we all know, MIDFIELDERS HATE FREEDOM. They just sit there, in the middle, going back and forth, not strong on offense, not strong on defense... they're flip-floppers, really. Want to have it both ways. Plus, I heard on Rush that Sadir and Manajid are the first and fourth most liberal soccer players on the team. I'm sure the coach is much more reasonable about the whole thing...

"My problems are not with the American people. They are with what America has done in Iraq: destroy everything. The American army has killed so many people in Iraq. What is freedom when I go to the [national] stadium and there are shootings on the road?" - coach Adnan Hamad. Hamad, by the way, is the replacement for coach Bernd Strange, who quit a few months ago because he DIDN'T WANT TO DIE.

So there you have it, Mr. President. The Iraqi soccer team, that symbol of a liberated Iraq that you take credit for in your folksy way, thinks you're a complete and utter ratfucking bastard. Linguists are going to have to coin entirely new terminology to describe just how much you have fucked this up. Kerry should be running ads RIGHT NOW that say "The Iraqi soccer team wouldn't vote for him. Why should you?" Worst. Liberator. EVER.

Warning: Contains Adult Content

Memo to the Midwest: STILL DUMB.

Even after a decade, my love-hate relationship with the Midwest continues. Actually, it's more of a hate-hate relationship in which, as long as I stay within specific urban-suburban areas of normal civilization, I'm OK, and anytime I encounter Actual Midwesternness, then the hate shines through.

The cream cheese wonton is, to me, the essence of everything that is wrong with the Midwest. The traditional pork fried wonton is a bit of an enigma. I'm not saying it's Authentic Ethnic Cuisine as such, but at least you've got Meat of Dubious Origin and Unfamiliar Spices in your folded, fried bundle. So we hit the Midwest, and what do they do? Take out that filling and replace it with plain white dairygoo. I mean, I like cheese too, but in the Midwest, it's like they never want to be caught outside reaching-distance of a spot of the ol' cowspunk. So a cuisine pretty much entirely sans cheese ends up with an unavoidable appetizer monstrosity, a crime against nature on every menu in town.

The problem with the Midwest, thus, is that whenever some interesting concept comes along, the locals embrace it, take out anything interesting about it, then fill the resulting cavity with bland whiteness. And so it is with the concept o "people getting together to engage in athletic activity", which, around here, has somehow led to... Adult Kickball.

I am not fucking kidding with you here. There's a whole story about it and everything. Adult Kickball games. Adult Kickball teams. With team names. Adult Kickball LEAGUES. Adult. Kickball. Kickball, like "diaper" or "video", is one of those words that SHOULD become slightly embarassing when paired with "adult". Something you'd rather not exhibit in public. But not here! Adult Kickball is the big thing amongst the suburban family approaching-middle-age types. I hate the Midwest so very much.

Kickball is not a sport. It's barely a game. Kickball is what you force nine-year-olds to do for 45 minutes if (A) it is raining, (B) you are nursing a wicked fucking hangover, (C) you are a sadistic gym teacher, and (D) all of the above. It is not the kind of thing people in a major metropolitan area should be rediscovering to occupy their evenings. If you ever find yourself uttering the words "Adult kickball? Sounds like fun! What time?", that is a sign that you have not adequately explored your personal entertainment options.

What's the appeal of adult kickball? Well, to describe that, I'll have to check with the Naval Observatory Atomic Clock, figure out when ACTUAL QUOTE TIME is in Greenwich, subtract six hours to shift into the Stupid Fucking Midwestern Time Zone, adjust for daylight savings... and yes, it turns out, it's still ACTUAL QUOTE TIME.

"It's an adult sport where maybe 100 percent of the players wouldn't be comfortable playing softball. Kickball hit a certain niche perfectly." - Pat Barbatsis, co-owner of Cities Sports Connection, who runs one of two different kickball leagues that, together, expect to have SEVENTY TEAMS by fall. At a minimum of seven people per team, that "niche" adds up to four hundred and ninety lame-ass Midwester cowpeople lining up to take their tepid swipes at the red rubber pankball.

"With softball, you feel like you're either good at it or bad at it. It's all fair game with kickball." - Grace Cavanaugh, who overcame her innate, Darwinian distrust of the adult kickball concept and now lives in thrall to her weekly dose of bocce-without-the-skill-element.

"I have a knee injury that basically doesn't allow me to turn right without pain. It was a chance to be active again." - Johnnie Workman, proud owner of the Best Possible Excuse For Playing Adult Kickball. And his excuse still sucks. We tried to reach his team's coach, Derek Zoolander, but he refused to comment.

You wanna know how bad it's gotten? You can actually choose to join a league that ALLOWS pitchers to spin the ball, and one that PROHIBITS IT. One can only hope that either a Hatfield-McCoy relationship develops over time, or, even better, the kickballers go out like good cultists - committing mass suicide after cutting off their own testicles. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

We're Talkin' Baseball

Memo to baseball fans: YOU ARE DUMB.

But before we get to chastizing the stupid, numbnuts, deluded fans of the National Pastime, I would like you all to take a moment and look to the left and behold the fine work of Michael Scott Shappe, who graciously donates his mad PHP skillz so that all I have to do is type "fuck" a lot and hate things. Ain't it nice? And it's functional, too.

Right. Baseball fans. Idiots. They're like some blind, naive, 35 year old shut-in who marries a hooker who claims to be a Sunday School teacher. And despite the fact that she gives her lessons on Friday nights in the alley demonstrating the proper way to kneel to guys with $20, he still loves her, dammit.

BASEBALL IS A WHORE. The grand tradition, the noble history, the old-timey, sepiatone newsreel, Field of Dreams, Ken Burns bullshit doesn't exist, may have NEVER existed, but you all just lap it up. And when someone dares to sully your pristine whore by telling an off-color joke within earshot, you immediately cover her ears, leap to her defense, and pound the ruffian into the pavement with your walking stick.

Oh, my GOD! They're going to put the Spider-Man 2 logo on the bases! Baseball will, for the first time ever, be directly involved with ADVERTISING! Storm the ramparts! Get the torches and pitchforks! How dare they try to sell us their superhero movie while we enjoy a pleasant evening munching $20 nachos in our $50 obstructed view seats behind the $1000 skybox paid for with heaps of our own tax money? While a wide assortment of steroid poppers, racists, homophobes, criminals, and other forms of "professional athlete" stand around for four hours occasionally running back and forth? It's an OUTRAGE.

Get the fuck over yourselves. When the friggin' Olympics, where ostensibly nobody's even gettin' paid, are just another marketing opportunity, trying to hold baseball as somehow "above" mere finances is pointless. The war's over. You lost years ago. You're like some kind of tiny, yippy dog that survived the Alamo but still barks and chases after any Mexican that rides by on a horse, only to be pulled off your feet when you run out of leash. Sure, it's funny to watch the first couple of times, but the novelty wears off fast.

But hey, be happy. Your communal outrage stopped the fatcats. Sony has been stymied. There will be no Spidey ads on the bases, and as a result, you have SAVED BASEBALL.

Starting today, no more ads. All the games will be played in the summer, in open-air stadiums, by athletes making $40,000 a year across the board. Charming old men will walk the stands, offering you cool, refreshing lemonade for a nickel a glass. All the players will wear bow ties, the electronic scoreboards will be replaced by lovable orphans and bits of signboard with numbers painted on them, and everybody will be white.

Oh, and the entire country is getting together in Kansas next Wednesday to sing that stupid fucking "Center Field" song. And you'd better have the lyrics memorized, 'cause if you mess up, you'll be sent off to Guantanamo Bay where Donald Rumsfeld will shove chemical lights up your ass. Don't feel too bad. Like Rush says, he'll just be blowing off some steam. He has a very stressful job.

PLAY BALL!

Memo to all you Super Bowl advertising whores: YOU ARE DUMB.

Yes, Sunday's the big game. The final showdown. When that one team and that other team will meet on the field of battle to determine which one of them is the best. This year. It's a very exciting time for millions of people who are not me.

And because millions of notmes will have their eyeballs glued to their televisions for three hours or so, the Super Bowl has been a favorite for advertisers, who spend a couple million on airtime to try and convince all of you that they are fine purveyors of products and/or services worthy of your hard-earned dough.

And that's fine.

But in the last few years, something odd has happened. A strange, inappropriate sense of importance has surrounded these ads. The ads have become, somehow, an event in and of themselves. The ads are reported on, viewed, and reviewed by people with no interest in the game themselves. These people are what we at You Are Dumb describe as "utter morons".

They're COMMERCIALS, people. I don't care how much they spend to make them, who shows you their bellybutton, or how much computer power they use to make that bellybutton tell jokes in John Laroquette's voice, they're still advertisements. The same things that interrupt your favorite show, get painted all over the side of your buses, and pop up in front of your Internet porn. Advertisements that the companies are constantly finding new, annoying ways to keep you from ignoring.

But come Super Bowl time, you're all too willing to do their work for them, aren't you.

Already this week, there are dozens upon dozens of newspaper articles previewing the ads. PREVIEWING THE ADS. That an advertisement will be appearing on television is NOT NEWS. Unless it's either the first ad to feature explicit bestiality, or an ad that kills everyone who watches it in seven days, I don't want to hear about it.

Now, if an ad DOESN'T appear, that's news. Like CBS, which won't run an ad critical of the president, because it doesn't run political or message ads during the Super Bowl unless, apparently, they call everyone who smokes pot an America-hating terrorist stooge. But that's probably a different memo.

In fact, I think it's time to introduce the Dumbness Defenestration Punishment Chart, which shows you what floor's window you should throw yourself from if you find yourself contemplating certain DUMB behaviors:

Thanks to this handy graphic, you will know what to do in the event that YOU ARE DUMB.