The Stakes

Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, our collective interest in the Trump legal escapades is ultimately about whether or not there’s any part of the husk that is the American experiment worth saving.

His crimes are so obvious, his attempts at covering them up so insipid and blatant, that a system that ultimately fails to hold him accountable and, more importantly, punish him in such a way that it discourages others from attempting anything similar is irrevocably fucked.

It’s that “irrevocably” that’s at stake here. We already know we live in a deeply flawed and gamed system where a billionaire asshat can put a cobbled together metal X on his roof that strobes an incredibly bright light and building inspectors checking to see if this janky-ass testament to insecurity might topple to the ground in a stiff wind are simply told “no, you can’t look at it, I reject your authority over me.”

But can this system at least do the bare minimum necessary to Trump? We don’t know. We hope it can, even as the cynical part of ourselves doubt it will. But there isn’t some other line past this one where the system can still redeem itself. This is the definitive test. We find him guilty of all the things he’s obviously guilty of and punish him and, after that, make sure he somehow doesn’t become President again (and the fact that that’s even a necessary step here is shocking to even the numbest of cores) or it’s over.

Passing this test means there’s a bottom to the hole we have to crawl out of. Failing it means we just keep falling.

And To The Retardos, For Which It Stands

Memo to 247 members of the House of Representatives: YOU ARE DUMB.

The Capitol Building is not your fucking elementary school playground, and the law of the land is not "TAG! NO TAGBACKS!". Every last one of you who voted for the law that says the courts can't rule on the Pledge of Allegience ought to be impeached and thrown out of office for either ignorance or deliberate ignoring of how the government you are a part of works.

Yes, tired of those pesky courts, full of "activist judges" getting in the way of the legislative branch doing whatever the hell it wants to, the House passed a bill, 247 to 173, that would prohibit any federal court, including the Supreme Court, from ruling that the words "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance are unconstitutional.

That means that two hundred and forty seven of our elected representatives are whining babies who are either malicious, stupid, or both. Hell, calling them whining babies is an insult to whining babies, who at least have an excuse for their squalling. You cannot overturn a fundamental power granted to a branch of gorvenment by our Constitution, a system that has served us for 228 years, by passing a LAW. The system doesn't work that way. And if you don't understand that, you shouldn't be in office, and if you do understand that and don't care, then you REALLY shouldn't be in office.

And if you're going to vote to overthrow the government, which is essentially what you're doing, could you find a better reason to do it than over the goddamn, doghumping, irrelevant, meaningless, insipid, annoying, thrice-forsaken PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE?! What is wrong with you people? Missouri representative Todd Akin, the short-bus General Patton of the 247th Fuckwit Division, said that if "under God" were to vanish from the pledge, it would have "emasculated the very heart of what America has always been about".

Get this man a copy of Gray's Anatomy and a history book, STAT. First of all, Captain Akin of the S.S. Mixed Metaphor, hearts do not have cocks. Hearts cannot be "emasculated", and by assuming that either the biological organ "heart" or the metaphorical "heart of America" is a well-hung man, swinging free in the land of the brave, you reveal much more about your own inner, repressed, Republican psyche than any of us wanted to know. You can't emasculate a heart. You can't emasculate a skull either, which is a shame, 'cause I'd pay for the surgery myself if it meant we had 247 fewer dickheads in the House of Representatives.

And if "under God" is the very heart of what America has always been about, then why, if you'll pardon me covering the same ground I had to cover the last time this issue came up, has it only been in the pledge for FIFTY YEARS? Boy, it's a good thing all those enlightened, jingoistic, 1950's fucks realized what all those stupid Founding Fathers hadn't noticed, and put that "under God" into the pledge. If they hadn't, the heart of what America has always been about would still be wandering around, dickless and embarassed.

And on top of all that, last time I checked, the Supreme Court was busy dodging the issue and letting "under God" STAY IN THE PLEDGE. Yeah, it stayed in on a technicality, but do you really think that if those activist Supremes wanted to rule against it, the technicality would have stopped them? They certainly didn't let technicalities stop them in 2000, that's for damn sure.

Really, there's only one positive thing I can say about this bill passing in the House. It was not, inexplicably, the single most retarded thing to come out of Washington yesterday. Thanks to Dubya, that bar has been set even lower. Our President actually tried to scare us by saying that if we pull out of Iraq, all of the insurgents who are trying to get us out of Iraq will follow us to America and fight us here. After a brief sabbatical to recharge its batteries and soak up some sun, it's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If we stop fighting the terrorists in Iraq, they would be free to plot and plan attacks elsewhere, in America and other free nations." - The Mental Midget Ostensibly Running Things

That's such a boneheaded sentiment it almost deserves its own column. The "terrorists", who are mostly insurgents and mostly targeting the military are not attacking soldiers because they hate our uniforms.

Big-Eyed Psychic Taco Ninjas

Today, we clean up some odds and ends.

In a predictive shock, I was right back in March about the Supreme Court being giant pussies and allowing the whole "Under God" thing in the Pledge of Allegiance. I actually underestimated their level of weenieness, as they threw it out on a technicality, saying that the guy who was suing on behalf of his daughter didn't have the legal right to bring the lawsuit in the first place. Nice to know that the Supreme Court is afraid to take a stand on an issue, since it's not, you know, their fucking job or anything.

I mean, how difficult could this be? Hell, I passed judgment on this decisively two and a half months ago, and I'm just one guy. Plus, I've got a day job. There's nine of them, and judging stuff is all they do. Allegedly.

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But I must rejoice in the correctness of my prediction, because not only did an Usher of the Eucharist e-mail me to inform me that I am going to Hell*, but now it turns out that 75% of all online anime roleplayers find You Are Dumb dull, unfunny, and blah. I'd like to thank the people at GaiaOnline for their opinions, because it provides me with important demographic information. Hopefully, in the future, I will be able to better tailor the column toward big-eyed goth schoolgirls, scarf-wearing angel-devil-moth hybrid children with sunglasses, and scarf-wearing bat-winged Eskimos with dead baby seals on their feet.

Luckily, I have managed to capture the vital torso-baring big-eyed cat-girl demo. "Funny in a way that makes you want to punch him" really needs to be worked into a new T-Shirt design or something.

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One week ago today, in the capital of Iowa, a man was arrested for assault after hurling a chalupa into the face of a Taco Bell employee who had screwed up his order. The man's name? Christopher Lame. Despite the incredible comedy potential summed up in the word "chalupa" and the name "Lame"; my almost encyclopedic knowledge of the Taco Bell menu, and this occurring in Iowa, this item did not make it into a full column here at You Are Dumb. In an attempt to lay bare the inner workings of the site to appeal to the DVD-commentary-listening crowd, allow me to explain why Christopher Lame is not DUMB.

• Christopher's name is not his fault. He must have had Lame parents.
• Christopher used his Chalupa as a weapon, rather than an item of food. Anyone who's ever bitten into a Chalupa knows he made the wise choice.
• Christopher fought against the forces of DUMB. Sure, he did so in a completely inappropriate manner that got him arrested, but still. He was given the wrong item, and he did not simply drive away and force the awful chalupa down his throat. He took ACTION. In the future, I hope Mr. Lame learns to channel his anger in a more productive direction. Just as long as that direction isn't toward, say, the angry-rants-making-fun-of-idiots direction, because once I figure out how to appeal to the other three quarters of the online anime roleplayers, I'll have this fucking market SEWN UP TIGHT.
• Christopher struck while the employee wasn't looking. Which means he may be a ninja. Or at least a ninja in training, since he failed to obscure his license plate before driving away, leading to his eventual arrest and capture. You don't mess with ninjas, man. Not even in online angry-rants-making-fun-of-idiots columns. Not if you want to keep your trachea free of throwing stars.

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* Technically, according to the e-mail, I'm only going to Hell if I'm a Catholic. Otherwise, I'll just be in purgatory for a very long time. The Usher never did answer the question of whether or not they wear the little hats, which is disappointing.