Friday, June 4, 2004

The Deadliest Of Panties

Memo. Fundies. STILL DUMB.
If I were to have any significant interaction with my audience, I'm sure one thing they'd ask me is, "Why do you pick on the fundies so much?" And I would carefully and calmly explain that not only are fundies dumb, but every time they decide to think or do something dumb, they issue a press release describing it, because they think they're being smart. So they're really, really dumb, and they make it really, really easy.
Take, for example, one of dozens of "family-defending" organizations fundies use to try to ruin things for the rest of us: the Traditional Values Coalition. Apparently, the millions of people flocking to see "Shrek 2" are in danger of being unwittingly exposed to the transgender agenda. Disappointingly, they failed to combine the words into "transgenda", which, were I a raving, Bible belt hypocrite trying to return America to 1954, I certainly would have taken the opportunity to do.
In Shrek 2, which I have not seen, so I'm forced to take the Traditional Values Coalition at their word, there is an evil bartender, voiced by Larry King. According to the TVC, this character has stubble and breasts, and is therefore obviously a male-to-female transgender in the midst of the transition process.
Or, as they so tastefully put it, "...obviously a she-male." I guess the TVC gets the same spam I do.
Further crimes against humanity committed by Shrek 2 including the Larry King She-Male Bartender* lusting after Prince Charming, and Pinocchio, through nasal expansion polygraphy, accidentally revealing a preference for women's underwear.
Both of these scenes, according to TVC, reveal the pervasive influence of the transgender agenda, and its efforts to "deconstruct the biological reality of male and female", even though wearing women's underwear barely even counts as crossdressing, much less "transgender". Plus, it's Pinnochio. I can only assume that a tiny wooden doll would have different undergarment needs than an upstanding Christian citizen. But not to the TVC. Pinocchio is a gender-destroying pervert, not merely the vehicle for an obvious "lie detector" gag.
But then, I don't really blame them for going overboard. You see, to a fundie, this is the official accepted picture of the American Family, as transmitted through God to George Washington, who came down from Mount Vernon carrying two stone tablets with this image engraved upon them.

Hank Williams marries Florence Henderson, and through strictly missionary procreative sexual intercourse, have two children, Opie and Shirley Temple. Anything within 10% of this is "normal", anything outside that ten percent is deviant and wrong and destroying poor Hank and Florence's family. That's how it works.
Hank's turned to booze. Flo's turning tricks in the alley. Opie's on crack, and Shirley Temple has cut her hair short and started wearing a lot of flannel. And it's all the fault of Pinocchio's panties. I always thought "Gepetto" sounded like a commie name.
* OK, when you put it all together like that, it does sound like something to be concerned about, I'll admit.