Tuesday, February 3, 2004

The Forces Of Regression

Memo to the forces of regression: YOU ARE DUMB.
It's two thousand and four. I mean, I know you've noticed, because you're writing "'04" on your checks, but have you actually noticed? Three years AFTER 2001. Twenty years AFTER 1984. We're supposed to be better now. Wiser. Smarter. Flying around in jetpacks or something. But we're not. And I've become convinced it's because of forces of regression. A bunch of dumb sonsabitches who are dragging their feet on the march to THE FUTURE. And I'm callin' em out.
Michael Powell, chairman of the FCC: It is not 1962. You do not need to protect us from a tit. Or the F-bomb. We do not need a full-scale investigation into a Super Bowl halftime show while the administration is getting away with shit that makes Nixon weep for being born 30 years too soon. Go back to your office, try to keep the beaver shots on Teletubbies below, say, five a year, consider protecting the public airwaves by keeping them vaguely public, and GET OUT OF THE WAY.
Groundhog Day: Can we stop, now? We've got weather.com, we've got satellites. Right now, even as we speak, there are a couple of tiny, remote controlled buggies tooling around on the surface of Mars, sending us back three-dimensional stereoscopic pictures of another planet. Yet people are still wasting time and energy watching a rat in Pennsylvania for its meteorological insights. The people of Punxsutawney have ridden this freakish ancient superstitious gravy train for too long, now. They're cut off.
Georgia: And speaking of tradition ruining things for the rest of us. Georgia wants to stop using the word "evolution" in schools. Consider this a warning shot across the bow of creationists, who may be the dumbest people on earth: you're gonna show up here a lot.
Creationists are like vile, oozing, black-hearted little idiot savants, who can somehow manage to finagle school boards and politicians into doing their bidding, come up with cute names like "intelligent design theory", all while firmly believing that the earth is only six thousand years old and an invisible man in the sky put all the fossils under Arizona.
And they don't even have an ulterior motive. It's not like, say, certain monkeys in power denying global warming because if they do anything about it, it'll piss off all their friends and wipe out their bank accounts. No. The creationists do all this because, if they don't, a few thousand repeatedly translated words in a millenia-old book written by dozens of people back when writing stuff down was NEW AND TRENDY might not be 100% accurate.
I say we eat 'em. I know cannibalism is a big taboo these days. Thanks to Michael Powell's new scrutiny, they've had to scrap the big cannibalism performance from next year's Super Bowl. But creationists are like a giant, inbred roadblock between us and Utopia. And with all the groundhogs and boobfear holding us back too, we're gonna need a lot of energy to push forward. So let's eat all the creationists. They're probably even low-carb.